I LOVE playing Overwatch. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. It is something I greatly enjoy.
Yet I can’t bring myself to play it. I haven’t played it in over week, even during this fun event to collect lootboxes. I haven’t talked to my gaming friends in over a week either. I’ve just been mulling around, doing nothing productive, watching anime I’ve already seen, trying to experience all over again the love I have for some nostalgic shows in the past. I just spammed one of my friends a giant essay about Madoka. I would rather write rants about an Anime than socialize and kill things on Overwatch. EVEN THOUGH I LOVE OVERWATCH.
I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. It took me three times as long to get home from work today because of the snow. I took two weeks off to mourn my father and now I’m suddenly back to five-day-work weeks. I was dreading the loss of my time by wasting time. I took two weeks off because I wanted to just do whatever I wanted to distract myself or whatever from the shit that is life. Yet the first week was frantic with funeral preparations because of how taboo it is to have one after Lunar New Year. It’s been over a week since the funeral and I have no clue where we’re burying my father’s ashes. I don’t even know if he even is ashes yet at this point. Is it taboo to burn a body after CNY? Did they rush to burn the body before CNY? But we haven’t even finalized the finances for an urn, so how could there be ashes yet? Is it in a temporary one?
My mom is a depressed, anxious, paranoid mess. She is stressing out my uncle and aunt who had come for CNY for a holiday, so that is already ruined. My brother fractured his foot after slipping on the ice. I was summoned to accompany my mother grocery shopping in a blizzard, because my brother did not trust her alone. I can’t do anything. I keep trying to ignore things. I keep trying to drown them all out, but I can’t. And it’s destructive, and it’s unhelpful to the family. Yet I also can’t give into the idea that all of my time is to be used for the family because I can’t even bring myself to do the things I even enjoy. I can’t play Overwatch. I just do nothing.
I’ve been more anti-social than I usually am. I stopped speaking to my brother for a day for a minor inconvenience, but I can’t bring myself to come out of my shell. I can’t do fucking anything. I don’t know what I’m doing. I go to work tomorrow to do menial unrewarding tasks, spend a gargantuan amount of time trying to get back home so that I may also do nothing when I get home.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. Is discussing Kyouko and Sayaka’s motivation rewarding? Is suddenly discussing an Anime I always had controversial opinions about because of how hopelessly spoiled I was and how jealous I was of its overexposure really something I would be doing now if I had a healthy mindset? Is my mind healthy? Am I mentally here? People have reached out to me in text and words, and I always respond I am ok. I always respond I am okay. I never respond any differently. Even if the scenario were different, even if it were five months ago. I always say I am okay. It is never good. It is never bad. I give the same answer each and every time. I wonder why no one notices.
I tell myself to go to bed early so I that I may not be tired tomorrow for work. So that I may wake up in time to leave early so that I won’t be late because of the snow. I am never late. What’s the point of being on-time each and every day? Who cares about such a minor detail? I was summoned out of bed to shovel snow a few days ago. I did it wordlessly and bitter. As I slogged through the slush holding my mother’s bags I did it wordlessly and bitter. Everything I do is wordless and bitter. I finish every task and chore you give me, but it is always wordless and bitter. I do not engage in the act myself. I must be told, and it is wordless and bitter.
I don’t know. Maybe because I grew used to sitting Teamspeak waiting for someone to ask me to play Overwatch, and that hasn’t happened in a long time, to the point that I stopped regularly sitting idle in Teamspeak. I’m doing it now, but I always throw myself in the AFK channel, to signify I am not to be disturbed. Yet why join in the first place if I do not want to be disturbed? Why not stay off entirely? What am I trying to achieve doing something like this? Why leave programs like Skype, Discord, Teamspeak open when no one ever initiates? And in the rare time it does I do not want to talk to them, to socialize, and I feel annoyed. Even though by merely having a presence on these services, I am presenting myself as open to activities?
What the fuck am I doing? And why am I posting it on Tumblr? Who even reads my Tumblr? Porn blogs? Random followers I’m not sure are bots? Mutuals I barely talk to and have no interests with? Barely anyone I regularly converse with even reads this. What is the purpose? Am I trying to reach out for help, yet put it on a platform where there’d be little of help?
I don’t fucking know what I’m doing anymore. I’m supposed to be feeling sad right? A Reddit post said the first year after a major death is hard. Why don’t I feel sad? Aren’t I sad? Why can’t I cry? Do I even care? I still cut this post because even in my whiny little angst rant that I will likely delete the next day because expressing myself in the public eye of the internet on my own blog is somehow embarrassing and will draw far too much attention I must adhere to people’s preferences. No one wants a giant wall of text on their dashboard. I don’t either. That’s why I unfollowed tons of people recently, mostly RWBY people. I thought maybe I could stop being so unhappy if I cut disastrous series that don’t bring joy anyway like RWBY out of my life. A friend of mine tried to link me an action scene from V4 to rekindle some sort of passion. My response was to delete every single RWBY-related recommendation I saw on Youtube.
It feels like I failed that person. I tried so hard to get them into RWBY because I enjoyed it so much. They finally started watching it, and it felt like it was for me. Because we don’t watch the same shows anyway, and they watched it for me. And now I abandoned the show I tried so hard to get him to watch, and now I have failed him. And now we lost our one single similar interest.
Everyone is so flawed. Everyone is so flawed. People are so flawed. I am so flawed. Why, for twenty years did I believe in some hopelessly idealistic friendship of a lost soul finding their way with a perfect, optimistic, angel of a friend? Someone so selfless, so devoted to this no-name schmuck. That person does not exist. Because perfection does not exist. Flaws are all that exists.
It’s like I’m barely hanging on a thread.
...this didn’t end up on Tumblr did it? I was too shy to be so bold, to post so much of myself in such a public space. I probably put it on my personal blog that no one reads. That I will delete eventually. Or maybe I drafted it. Who fucking knows. I disappoint myself. I always do.