spotto

I've talked to friends and read many posts about what is most important in their life. What matters to them the most; what truly resonates with their soul. A major one I see a lot from friends, internet, and society in  general since it's been a large issue for years and years is sexuality. The debate and fight to get gay marriage passed and the neverending plight to stop discrimination and hate that comes back the other way. There are other major social issues that I see over and over again as well since no matter how good it may seem on the surface compared to so many years ago, something like racial tension will always be around, lurking underneath an innocent exterior or blown right up and smashed into your face if someone massively influential happens to promote it. (We all know who I'm referring to here) Regardless, there are lot of these kinds of thing that people are very passionate about, and very passionate about making them right, making them better.

I have the fortune of not having much attachment to those kind of issues due to not running into much conflict. I guess the word a lot of people use is privilege. For instance, though I am Asian, specifically Chinese, not only do I not run into much racism at least as much as some of my other Asian peers is because I take up the majority of the Asian populace (that or Indian, I'm not entirely sure who has more population at the moment) and I happened to grow up in an incredibly multicultural neighbourhood. My area was so diverse, that there were more Asian people in my high school than white people. White people were the minority. I never really got flak for my race as I grew up. so I never was as passionate as many other less fortunate folk in terms of fighting it, and thus cannot understand to quite their degree their plights. 

I also have the fortune of living in a very liberal city, but not only that, growing up in a family where my brother came out as gay. Although the fallout of that with my family itself was not pleasant, I learned early on that there was no reason whatsoever to be bigoted to people who prefer one sex to another. I learned very early on thanks to my environment that people can like whoever they please and that's seriously not even the in the top ten of issues we should even be concerned about, but we have to because bigots will always exist and always discriminate. In a perfect world you would think most if not all people would be focused on issues affecting the entirety of the human race, such as global warming and its impact on humanity and their quality of life, or helping out those escaping from war-torn authoritarian countries. No, there's still this major debate that people need to care about who people love, and there's still this major debate about racism and sexism and all these other hot-topics that if we were all decent people would in a utopian society would not even be in a blip in our radar, yet here we are.

And it is an important fight that will likely be endless, but that isn't a reason to never fight, for if we never do, we will never improve. Many wonderful. outstanding individuals over many years have progressed us to where we are today, where slavery in its most traditional sense anyway, is no more in many countries, and everyone above a certain age can vote. Still, as important as these issues are, what really resonates with my soul and frankly in the large scheme of things isn't nearly as important as these issues is friendship.

Yet due to how I grew up, it has affected me very deeply. It's impacted who I am, what I like, who I befriend. It shapes my personality, my attitude, and my perspective. I don't think I've yet to run into anyone who is as moulded by this desire for friendship as much as I have, but again I don't know other people inside and out, so I can't be entirely one-hundred-percent sure. When I was very young. I was this small Asian girl about to start school. I remember how small I was because not only were there photos, but because for the entirety of elementary school and even middle school, I was the smallest person in class, bar none. It's possible I forgot a year where I wasn't and happened to be slightly taller than some other student who didn't stick around the school for long, but for most of it all I was the smallest. It's not hard to forget either. I remember one of my gym teachers referring to me and my other smol brethren as munchkins, and my best friend I made in primary school to this day had always nicknamed me shrimp. I am small, and people will not let me forget.

Before I continue let me repeat that I do have the memory of a goldfish, and for whatever sadistic reason it is in human nature for us to be more likely to remember the unpleasant memories over the good ones. Or it's possible I had a miserable childhood, but whatever the case, when I was in kindergarten I only remember making this one friend. We weren't that close since I don't even remember his name, and I don't consider him the first friend I made, since a kid and their family moved into the basement suite we rented out and she became my very very first friend. Still, due to that girl being two years my junior the first friend I made in school was this boy. My single memory of our friendship me as a young child crying uncontrollably hidden under the biggest, very much unsafe slide we had at the playground, and this boy who I assume was probably responsible felt bad and was trying to apologize or cheer me up in some way. I don't recall how. I only recall that it didn't work. He had to stay behind a year for whatever reason my smol child mind could not comprehend, and I moved onto the first grade.

The only thing I remember in all of first grade is that our school was so small some classes did not even have their own classroom. In first grade my classroom was in the gymnasium. That's it. That's all I remember. (In fourth grade my class was in a library until the portable classrooms were finished construction and then we moved there. There was another grade, probably second that was also in the portable classrooms, but I think we also had a legitimate classroom at one point too, so my memory is faint. Only reason I remember this is because I distinctly remember being super excited to have a Gameboy Colour of my very own with a copy of Pokemon Blue. I guess I made out my new fun toy to be too fun because someone stole it from my backpack not very long after. I never saw it again. D<)

Second grade though was when my friend who lived downstairs started school, and unlike me who made that one kid friend and her as a friend she found a clique right away. Unfortunately being different grades causes problems because she'd bond with these other kindergarteners, and I was two years older and then though I was her friend, she'd rather be with these other similarly aged peers. I remember this one time one of her friends had a birthday party, and I was upset because I wasn't invited. Of course I wasn't invited because I wasn't really close to her friend, but I thought since I was her friend and this clique was like, three people outside of me that we could get to all be friends or whatever and it wouldn't be bad if I joined them too. Or in other words I begged my friend's friend to invite me too, and it it worked, but I really wish I didn't do that, or at least it didn't work because that whole party ended up being very awkward. Still, that friend of mine who had this clique was still my friend probably due to our proximity of living spaces, so the year went by.

Third grade luckily I made a friend but the evils that were DIFFERENT GRADES continued because this friend was in the fourth grade. For whatever inane reason the school had this one BIG KID area reversed for ONLY the fourth grade kids. Keep in mind I was in a very small school, and it was called an Annex so it only went up to the fourth grade until you were shuffled over to a full-fledged big Elementary school that went from kindergarten to seventh grade. Some areas in the country, and well the world have a thing called middle school, which we didn't really have in my area, but that second elementary school was pretty much my middle school so when we get to that part I'm just gonna call it middle school anyway. Now obviously my fourth grade friend would of course want to be in this big kid area. All the other big kids were there. It was the cool thing to do, and hanging out with a friend a year younger than you may lead to kids making fun of you or looking down on you for not being in the cool reserved big kids area. I may never know my friend's reasoning, but she was my best friend this year. I never called the kid that had a clique my best friend, but I always referred to her as my first friend and someone I was close to. Third grade was the worst year of this school for me. My lack of any friends in my own grade was quite a disadvantage and this was the first year I experienced everyone's favourite past time in school, BULLYING! I also had the meanest teacher of all time in this year, and remember several times crying during the year of suffering.

Pull a seat and grab a cup of tea because I may be stuck in third grade for a while. During this tremulous year, I was one of two kids that caught head lice. Unlike the other kid who only had a little and thus, was probably caught from me, I had head lice all over my head. I had to have treatment and my hair cut quite short. This one girl bulled me relentlessly for this short hair. And I 100% know I am cis because despite being a super tomboy I seem to be very passionate about letting people know I was not a boy. I do not look like a boy. Fuck you for calling me a boy. Go the fuck to hell. This was not the first time this happened. For you see, I actually had a few friends outside of school that lived on my street. I had this older female friend likely already in middle school, and this boy a year younger than me who introduced me to THE NINTENDO 64 HOLY FUCK. We spent a lot of time bike-riding and playing video games. I am blessed to have spent time outdoors for my early childhood because let me tell ya the moment I got a computer and access to the internet the outside was a long gone memory. Anyway when that older female friend found out I had this friend who was a boy, all hell broke loose. She had this insane concept that boys and girls could not be friends. PLEASE KEEP THIS IN MIND. THIS IS AN ONGOING THEME. And told me if I did not de-friend this boy this instant, she would de-friend me. To make matters worse, she said the fact that I HAD a friend that was male meant I was TURNING INTO A BOY. I ran off crying. My dumb smol child brain believed that I was turning into a boy because of this, but also being one that is a dumb smol child, instead of defending my male friend or staying with that female friend I stopped hanging out with the both of them entirely. I lost two friends because of this stupid concept. That male friend of mine was probably super upset too, that poor child. However the best part of this terrible little incident is my very first friend came and comforted me while I was crying. 

And this whole choose one or the other kind of thing did not stop there. My best friend in school in the fourth grade and I also made this other friend as well. Now this may be relevant, but my best friend was white, and this new friend was native. So even though it seemed like we hung out with one another (we ate lunch together, I think?) my best friend would constantly bully my native friend. This was odd because I was not that close to the native friend. I'm quite sure it was my best friend that befriended her anyway. Or "befriended" I should say, but being the dumb smol child that I was, I did not defend my native friend. That's just as bad as doing the bullying yourself, but I guess at this point I wasn't willing to be assertive or helpful whatsoever because it's quite clear I have this desperation for friendship, and I'd do anything not to rock the boat and lose anymore friends. If given the choice to defend the poor kid being picked on or staying friends with the alpha female, my choice was to do nothing. Because I didn't want to invite more conflict. I feel pretty bad about those kids I did not defend though. I was not a strong person.

Finally, this friend I wanted to stay my best friend moved pretty much after the third grade. I was only friends with her for one year, and I did not help this other friend of ours, and it was all just sort of pointless now that I thought about it, how much I wanted to stay friends with her due to my inaction and thus enabling of her behaviour but perhaps if I did defend that third friend we would be friends instead. Even so that was not the worst part of this year. The teacher making me cry in front of my dad who berated me as I cried was not the worst part of this year. The losing of two friends due to an ultimatum was not the worst part of this year. Being horribly bullied by this girl with head lice was not the worst part of this year. I had a fallout with my very first friend. I felt like she was bossing me around and I was just letting her, and being submissive so I don't lose her as a friend and so did whatever she wanted, whatever she said. I don't recall what exactly caused us to fight, but I stood up for myself for the very first time and it blew up, and this first friend of mine stopped being my friend. We had this feud, this grudge. Every time I walked by she would turn her head and huff, and to have lost all my friends in the span of one year, including my first was a crippling blow. It only further fueled my desperation for friendship, but not only friendship. True friendship. It's not as if this first friend was terrible or toxic because I do remember the fond memory of her supporting me when I was crying, but well, the moment I tried to be independent, or how I felt like I was being bossed around was the moment I lost her.

Anyway I fucking hated third grade, but yay for fourth grade! I may have entered it friendless, but there was this new kid in class. And we became friends pretty much the moment I met her, and she was the one who always called me shrimp and stuff. Unlike all these other friends who were all different grades, weren't even in my school and of different ages, and not someone I clung to or put on a pedestal or whatever, this friend was my peer of my same grade, and she would pick on me a lot. But friendly picking. Like, the first friend where we can make jabs at each other and not step around egg shells. She has been my friend since fourth grade and is still my friend. Of course at this point I was sort of broken, like friendship is SUCH A HUGE ISSUE FOR ME NOW that it eclipsed everything else. Most people would say the point of school is not only for academics but also to become socially intelligent as the years go by. How to treat other people, how to make friends, all that stuff that is healthy for the human psyche. Yet I put all my buns in that second basket, and so my grades were always average except that one weird year I was top of the class for math somehow. I felt like the KING OF THE WORLD and was DESTINED TO BECOME A DOCTOR, but I digress. For anyone reading who knows of my planned trip to California next year, this friend, also known as Tofumold or some other food-related name will be coming with me. However she has never been an affectionate person and doesn't have this friendship complex like I do, so I started having these expectations like "I wish I had friends that would hug me! Because on TV friends hug!" and other such things. She doesn't do that. So while she is my very best friend since childhood, my years of struggle with friendship before this year gave me these humongous expectations to find these ideal friends cartoons like to feed me. Who are these perfect friends that are always on television!?

Also at the same time all this regular grade school stuff was happening, I was enrolled in a Chinese school that took place every Saturday since I was four before I even started regular school. I never made a single friend in this school. I was extremely bitter about this, and though I mentioned being bullied in third grade, the first time I was actually bullied was when I was four by other fellow four-to-five year olds. Like what the fuck? Kids still have souls at this age do they not!? Anyway my lack of friends gave me an incredible lack of motivation to do anything at this school let alone learn, and I was a pretty terrible student. Around tenth grade I outright refused to go back to the school, I was so fed up. In hindsight the idea of being in this school to retain my knowledge of my own native language was very important because of how many people that spoke the language and lived in the area, but I also understand why I never retained it and never managed to learn much of anything. My mindset was so stuck on this whole friendship thing, this thing I wanted so much but struggled so hard to obtain and when I did, to keep, and if I did keep was it even sincere in the first place? This insecurity struck with me my entire school life, and its remnants still remain with me to this day.

So anyway fifth grade came around, we were off to a new school to the wonderful experience that is middle school. Or the years of my school where douchebaggery was highly contagious and infected most if not everyone including myself. Bullies everywhere! IT'S TRUE! MIDDLE SCHOOLERS ARE SOULLESS HUSKS OF A HUMAN BEING! In an effort to not be at the bottom of the social ladder with my friend, there was this probably mentally handicapped kid with a speech impediment that everyone made fun of. We were not exceptions and it was not a proud moment of my life, but just like all the other times of inaction and trying to be with the majority to not stand out and all that kind of jazz it was a thing I did. School feels like this whole dominance kind of thing where followers will always look towards the strongest alpha student, follow their ways to not be seen as weak and thus be picked on by the populace. It's like survival of the fittest; savage animals trying to stay alive. That's why bullying is such a difficult issue to solve, and sometimes the only way to fix it isn't any sort of the safe, peaceful methods the faculty or parents always attempt, like ignoring the bully or telling a teacher or whatever. Those never work. The only time I've seen someone successfully fend off a bully was to stand up for themselves and punch them back, even if they are also suspended or even the only one suspended because of how backwards school rules are. My god, school is like prison. I've always heard to earn respect or to keep yourself from being a target is even if someone fights you, you must fight back. You can't run to a prison guard or try to hide or anything of the like. Even if you lose the fight horribly, as long as you stand up for yourself people will respect you. THAT'S SCHOOL. Can't tell a teacher, can't be a snitch! You're gonna get punished for being in the fight regardless of who initiated! AND YOU WILL BE BEAT UP ANYWAY. Survival of the fittest everyone.

Around this same time I made some friends! Yay! A few female friends and people I even invited to a birthday party. I even had this silly game I had with one of them where we'd grapple our hands and try to push each other like we were sumo wrestling or whatever. I remember fond memories of eating dried noodles from its package and people playing Pokemon cards, Yu-Gi-Oh, and soon even Beyblade. The trends were here! Of course during said birthday party all hell broke loose. I'm being melodramatic probably, but I'm pretty sure I cried at most of my birthday parties. Or at least was not particularly happy about them. Maybe I'm just a sensitive little bitch, who knows. But the one year I remember this being very warranted. One friend I made was like another one of these alpha females. I don't know why I keep calling them this, but it's like this one girl I befriend who is bossy and I always listen to and such. They command the room. They are the leader. Anyway I have this male cousin of mine, two years junior who I was very close to over the years. The markup of my family tree is sort of complicated but essentially we were the only people in our family of similar age, and everyone else was either just being born, or was not born, or was way older than us (including my brother who is over seven years my senior) so I became fast friends with him and he is a huge influence of my life. He introduced me to LF2 and Negima a few years down the line (attempted to introduce me to Re:Zero but after the debacle that was Negima I learned better >_>) He also had like every game console in existence. I remember playing games on his PS Classic like Worms and Gundam, on his PS2, his PS3, his PS4, his Nintendo 64, his Gamecube. He introduced me to Smash and is just as passionate about it as Souless is. (He once brought a CRT TV to a BOAT so he could play Melee properly with his friends. On a boat. Like don't even get on a boat to be on a boat, go on it to play Melee! To be  fair his father was a fisherman so he probably had been on boats most of his life, but still!) I also got him to play Soldat for a few years. It was nice.

So yeah, when this happened a fucking third time, there was no longer inaction or fear of losing a friend. Because my alpha female friend I had made this year was appalled that I had this male cousin who was my friend. She was like NO BOYS ALLOWED! She and the other (female) friends I had invited to the party locked themselves in MY OWN ROOM declaring it a BOY-FREE ZONE, and instead of joining them all I was outside the door with my cousin who was crying. FUCK. THESE. PEOPLE. This was MY birthday party. That was MY room. And this was MY cousin who I had been close to for YEARS! I didn't care that ALL OF MY FRIENDS were in there with her. I STAYED WITH MY COUSIN. I was so angry! I was so appalled. WHY IS THIS CONCEPT OF MALES AND FEMALES BEING FRIENDS SO TERRIBLE? We were EVEN related! I don't even! Holy fucking shit! 

And you know what? I defended my cousin and didn't lose any of my friends. Not even my alpha female friend.

Of course she moved away a year later. If it had gone down similarly to previous incidents, I may have lost friends and then the one I would have kept would have moved away anyway. I avoided this happening a second time by defending my cousin. We also made some male friends at school we'd play a form of tag with all the time, but we were always the ones chasing them so I assume no one wanted to pick that role and we were willing to be the sharks to try to eat them because we were not particularly high on the social ladder at school. I remember very little of sixth grade aside from not being fond of the teacher, but outside of school it was around this time my first friend moved away and another kid, a boy a few years my junior moved in. We became fast friends, played LF2 and NHL 97, and for a brief period of time this other kid in the neighbourhood played those games with us too. This was also around the time I got my first hamster, and I think I influenced HIS life quite a bit because we really enjoyed manhandling these hamsters (I know better now, lol. Imagine if my parents had any presence in my life during these times of turmoil how different this would all be) and when he finally moved like 90% of my friends do he got himself his own hamster. I got a boy to like hamsters. Cute. He also played Beyblades with me and it seems like though I struggle to keep female friends, I always find similar hobbies and interests with this guy friends and always actually DO stuff together. This never seemed to be the case with most of my female friends. Luckily my very best friend also enjoyed video games, so there was that to bond over. Alas I do not remember much else of this year, so moving on to the seventh grade which i do remember quite a bit.

During this year, we made friends with these two boys that sat at our same table. I actually knew one of the boys for a long time to the point that my family would be like "OH IT'S SPOTTO'S BOYFRIEND!1!" playfully or whatever, but only became friends this year. What's amusing to me is that the OTHER boy actually confessed to my best friend at the end of the year. She didn't recuperate, but that's sort of interesting. I only stayed friends with the boys, but one thing that truly touched me is on my birthday I was given this sketch of myself with a little doggy (because I loved dogs a lot!) and balloons everywhere out of the whim. I still have that drawing on my wall to this day and it is my favourite birthday present ever. I did not have to invite him to my birthday party to get a present. He just did it just because. I wonder if he too liked me beyond friends, but idk. I was still struggling with friendship and my brain was wired that boys and girls could be friends that I never really thought about romance whatsoever. I was a smol child with a smol child brain. Pretty sure I still have a smol child brain now too. 

Anyway it was a generally happy year except that one time I threw up in front of the class during quiet time and got relentlessly picked up by this asshole jock. I also remember this year (or was it the last?) where the popular girl made me do her homework. YAY MIDDLE SCHOOL! But still, I had close reliable friends who I didn't feel like were just friends just because, but people who really cared about me. This was the year I was king of math. Is there a particular reason for that? I don't know. But I think I do better in academics when I'm not flailing about drowning trying to make friends. For once in my life, I felt stable. I had a good friendship with the boy that lived downstairs, and spent lots of time with him and this other kid. I was friends with the kids at my table. My best friend was still here. This was not a year where I yearned for friendship. I had it.

Then everything changed when high school attacked. 

Luckily me and my best friend went to the same high school but due to where our school was located and where people lived, basically everyone at our grade split off to four different high schools. I never saw those boys again. In high school we did end up making some friends... all female. it was a very large clique with say 8-10 people, but due to my everlasting status of being near the bottom of the social ladder and my friendship complex, me and my best friend were not anywhere close to alpha female position, let's just say. I had this desire to make more friends, but CLOSE friends just like with my best friend. But in a clique there's usually even more inner cliques. Two girls will be best friends and do all the stuff together. Same with these other two girls. I came into this clique with my own best friend already, but we weren't all in the same classes ALL the time. And these friends of mine were closer to these other girls probably because they didn't put each other on pedestals or have clingy friendship complexes, so it was difficult to really grow close. I liked the girls that were nicer to me and such, but even then. It was also at this time my time on the internet went on a rise and I found friends online. Online friends who shared VERY close interests to mine since we could communicate over long distances and I didn't know anyone in my school with very similar interests. Due to such, I grew much more closer to these internet friends. I think the most significant of these were the BIFF. Today, only two of the BIFF remain but they have become ultra close friends with me especially Akira, and now I've learned that best friends are few and far between, but will always be there with you. It's not all about having sixty thousand friends and expecting them to all be as devoted as the few.

Akira is the other friend coming down to SFO with me! Let me talk about the internet friends too! We all bonded over Beyblade. Obviously no female friend of mine in high school gave two shits about Beyblade, so the internet was all I could turn to. Unfortunately my best friend who I do share interests with we always sort of miss that interest by a few steps. Like how she prefers RPGs and I prefer shooters, or how she likes Yu-Gi-Oh and I liked Beyblade. We were close! SIMILAR GENRES EVEN, but no cigar! Only the internet could solve this everlasting problem, and solve it did! I began writing stupid stories on crack about Beyblade characters and made friends in the fanfiction community. I had been writing as a hobby since I was like nine on my brother's ancient laptop, so it was not unfamiliar territory for me. Since making friends was SO rad to me I became very attached to these people like I knew them in real life, even if all we had was Beyblade. But once that interest faded, a majority of them faded as well because we didn't really do anything else nor have similar interests otherwise. It was more like a club that liked this one thing, and once people left the club because they weren't interested, it was no more.

No hard feelings or anything... well except this one incident where one of our club blocked us all of sudden, and I foolishly, like the foolish desperate clingy person I was, tried all I could to at least COMPREHEND why someone would do this. Since she really only blocked me, I reached out through another friend, and talked to her. She dodged all our questions and then proceeded to block everybody. I could never understand, but one of my friends told me to let it go. So I did. It was a difficult decision, but to be fair I did step on her toes by not respecting her decision to exit from our lives by trying to reach her beyond her powers that be. I still don't understand, to this day.

Back to high school though, and I don't really feel like splitting it by year so we're just gonna have one giant blurb about high school in its entirety. Since I was closer to my internet friends and couldn't truly reach over to these high school friends, I began having the same problem I did with my very first friend. Where they would do things and not invite us, or only invite us if no one else was able to go. One of my friends gave me ample advice when she realized my little friendship complex. Don't do things for other people before doing things for yourself. I don't remember the exact quote, but basically I was so eager to please i never really thought about my own self considering my very average grades and all, and just tried to do whatever I could to stay friends with people. It's a theme of my life, man. I also had one friend I made some year later (Grade nine? Egads I remember nothing) who I found rather obnoxious, but she was probably the type of person I should have stayed friends with over several others because no matter how much I expressed to her that she was annoying, she was still very accepting and friendly to me. I wish I stayed friends with her. She was one of those people I felt would be one of those once-in-a-lifetime friends if you gave them a chance, but I sadly did not.

There was also one year, later on maybe in junior or senior, where there was this friend who was basically Pinkie Pie in real life. She had ALL OF THE FRIENDS and was nice to ALL of the people, including me, so low on the social ladder! I really wish I could have been a closer friend to hers, but because she had so many other friends it was a nigh impossible achievement. There was also one year where I suffered some of the worst bullying. In sophomore these girls were transferred to our school and she would not stop at anything to call me names or throw pennies at me because I looked like a poor kid. (I wasn't actually that poor in terms of the school. I was just not one who found importance in appearance so I kind of looked like someone who didn't care and was more, let's say, homely than other kids. Or if you wanna bully me too, you could call me a hobo! Because I looked like a hobo. Gee I wonder if my parents had more of a presence in my life I wouldn't always dress up like a hobo to school) 

Back to the internet that I was increasingly spending more time on because I felt so much more accepted on there. Also they can't see me, so they can't tell me I look like a hobo! After discovering LF2 and playing so much of that game, I found another game that this website covered too called Soldat. Alas my friend I spent oodles of time playing games with who lived downstairs moved away, but I immersed myself in Soldat. I found many friends, a clique that in video games called a "clan" and got to see these same people in these same servers over and over again. We had fun, fun times shooting each other in a competitive environment. Though again like the Beyblade days many of these people faded away, there were some I stuck by for a very long time and still talk to today. We call ourselves Spectral Infantry, but I think I'm the only one that does that now because Discord exists and nobody cares about the clan name and my Teamspeak is dying. Regardless, it's not the name that is important, just like the name BIFF was never really important. (It stands for Best Internet Friends Forever. I hope that is the case with the two I am still friends with lolololol) but the people that still stick around. Also obviously a majority of these friends are guys. Because all the guy friends I've ever made friends with NEVER antagonized me for being friends with them despite being a girl, or never purposefully excluded me because if they want to spend time playing say, Path of Exile when I do not even play that game who am I to feel excluded? I don't play that game. It was a lot more transparent I guess. I felt more stable amongst them. My ability to friendship was finally levelling up, but those back at school were as stagnant as ever. The same feelings, the same kind of inevitable conclusions.

It's very important to not only share interests but share hobbies when it comes to friends. Video games were the thing that kept me going with these people. On the other hand, though I share less interests and hobbies with the few female but true friends I have left to this day, I still feel very close to them because we bonded on an emotional level. We understand each other, and we will be there for one another. Both of these have taught me that I do not need to be doing a thing with a person 24/7 to stay friends with them, or trying to be complacent to keep as many friends as possible because only the important friends are the ones that you really need to keep. The ones that will keep you going and motivated like they do me. At the end of high school, the one friend I became closest to outside of my best friend, who gave me a handmade birthday card out of nowhere, encouraged my graphic design and caused me to win the grade-wide competition, and actually gave me HUGS what the fuck, brutally chastised my appearance throughout high school with the harshest words possible over the internet. I blocked her immediately and we are no longer friends. It was one of the worst friendship breakups I have had, on par with my very first friend,. People who were there for me but obviously had some sort of pent up issue with me that the first sign where either I mentioned something or I was out of frame physically they unloaded their frustrations with me. Why couldn't they be honest from the get-go? I guess because I was a sensitive, eager, clingy person with a friendship complex, and the moment any conflict arises could be the end of it all, like it was. But it always blew up in the end because of it. It always ended friendships.

It always hurt.

And now the consequences.

I have had a pretty terrible year in terms of loss and family and pain, but in terms of PHYSICAL pain I went through several dental treatments to get my teeth fixed. Root canals, crowns, and surgery. Oddly enough despite all of those things I mentioned, the worst pain was the first cleaning I had after several several years. Because my teeth were so bad I was very sensitive to temperature so any cleaning felt like the absolute worst. Somehow cold air was worse than giant pointed steel needles being stabbed into my gums. I also buy separate shampoo and conditioner now, and pay for my own toothpaste, floss, mouthwash and toothbrush because my parents cheaped out and always bought the crappiest toothpaste possible, the cheapest 2-in-1 shampoo, and really all the other tools that though I do not blame for why I've had self-esteem issues certainly contributed a small part to it. Oh and I started buying some of my own clothes because throughout all of high school it was hand-me-downs all the way down, and since I was a tomboy I rejected 50% of it. So i kept wearing very old clothes that started getting tattered. My money at the time was going into things that were more important, like computers and video games. THUS THE HOBONESS! 

But the other consequence was where my interests ending up lying. I was so in need of friendship that every single thing I've ever watched, friendship was the most important issue to me. My very first OTP, ship as it were that I blame the whole Beyblade fanfiction community for getting me into, was KazumiSayo. See my icon? STILL KazuSayo. They are relatively minor characters in the grand scheme of Negima, but for what they had I enjoyed them immensely. Kazumi I saw as a role model because she wasn't a character that really developed per-say. She was kind of ideal from the get-go. She did not care about being in cliques or being friends with a cast herd. When the manga started she was in no cast herd, she was alone. And she was fine with it. She was still confident, still spunky, still had the best voice, still was extremely attractive despite such. (How do attractive people not attract friends?) and was very kind.

Then Sayo came along. Sayo was a ghost who had been alone for like some ridiculous amount of time, like sixty years. No one could see her until her teacher just happened be a wizard. Then when her existence was exposed, it was Kazumi who befriended her. Now at first I wondered why Kazumi of all people befriended her. I could see it in terms of practical reasons, like Sayo being a ghost would be ideal for Kazumi's need for intel, what with being an aspiring journalist and all. Meanwhile Sayo's need for a friend is extreme because she has been alone for sixty years and she hasn't become a batshit insane murderous ghost yet. Kazumi gives her this need. in terms of who is giving more and who is receiving more, it looks one-sided.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the most healthy and best relationships are when two people improve one another, and while Sayo who I essentially related to since she desperately needed a friend will become a better, more whole person thanks to Kazumi, what does she serve for Kazumi beyond the practicality? Does she make Kazumi a better person? At first I believed maybe Kazumi might be susceptible to becoming the stereotypical yellow journalist who would do anything to get a story. She did toy with the idea with exposing magic to the world, but it wasn't difficult to convince her to keep it under wraps despite such a story being an ample opportunity to launch her career straight into the moon. She also mentioned when she first became friends with Sayo that letting the world know of the existence of a real live ghost would also land her in prime territory to be one of the most renowned journalists out there, yet she is the one that convinces herself not to do so because that would be unfair and plain mean to Sayo, who does not need the attention of the world right now. She does not need to be a zoo exhibit or to be experimented on by scientists or studied, she needs a friend. That's exactly what Kazumi provided. I suppose Sayo fills out the role of keeping Kazumi in check. She was a wildcard for a moment when some members of the class opposed Negi's side of the battle, and Kazumi for a while was working for the supposedly "evil" side (it was more like a huge moral dilemma and no one was painted as an irredeemable bad guy, but still) but once context was given to Kazumi she switched sides pretty easily.

But still, their relationship served to fuel my need for a friend. One who for no reason would be your friend. Like a dog! I love dogs. I always wanted one but it was never right to ever get a dog due to their upkeep and price. Dogs are those kinds of unwavering companions that no matter what will always be loyal. No matter who you are or what you look like. That's why I loved Kazumi and Sayo so much. I saw this character who I looked up to, wanted to be like who gave unconditional support to this ghost character, who needed it above all else and overlooked her own ambitions to do so. It was a heartwarming friendship I wanted out of anyone at all. Still, it didn't serve the ideal kind of friendship I was looking for where the two characters could help one another to be better people.

Touhou came along to bring with it oodles of odd female friendships. I am very attached to female friendships as you can see. With guys, it's just play video games with them to bond because competition or whatever. I even watched Beyblade to figure that out too. But I could not figure out female friendship. I had such a hard time retaining female friends. I've run into so many problems and incidents involving all of that, so my interest was very high for how media portrayed female friendship. That's one of the many reasons I jumped between so many favourite characters and thus so many different OTPs in Touhou. So many different depictions of friendship and devotion! I loved it! One of my first favourites was Murasa and Nue. Unfortunately at the time they were in one of the less popular cast herds, so finding anything notable and meaningful that portrayed the two was a bit of a challenge. The depiction they usually got was that Nue was alone and sort of excluded from the main cast herd that being the Myouren Temple because she was a bit of a prankster/troublemaker. And she felt she needed to be alone (also she was sealed for like several hundred years) but secretly she wanted some form of companionship. Murasa was the usual person she'd  be paired with for that companionship. I remember reading this touching doujinshi where Nue is all self-conscious and stuff, gets attacked by some scumbag humans (not that humans ARE scumbags but these guys tried to kill Nue when she never provoked them, so... ) and they involved one of the legends associated with Nue in the conflict. The nue was shot down by some famous guy (I forget his name) by either his amazing enchanted bow, or he was so amazing he could shoot down mystical youkai like nues. So this guy that was trying to kill Nue had this bow and that guy's name too, so even though youkai usually very easily overpower humans this was not the case here.

Anyway Murasa pops out of nowhere and takes the arrow for her. It's treated as very melodramatic because Nue acts like Murasa is dying even though youkai can brush off such physical injuries plus Murasa is ALSO a ghost and ALREADY kinda of dead anyway, but yeah, this relationship was kind of like KazuSayo to me. My favourite character at the time was Murasa, who was portrayed as this badass ghost pirate captain who was very confident. She had a pretty depressing backstory too, but it wasn't given much detail thus that one story I wrote up about her history. This story serves to teach Nue that no she is not alone, and she doesn't have to feel like an outcast among the cast herd she is associated with. Murasa though I don't see what she learns or how she becomes better by being friends or more with Nue. It again, feels one-sided. Nue doesn't really touch upon any of Murasa's backstory or anything like that. They just happened to know one another. Also the game that came out right after introduced this buddy of Nue's from the outside with a similar ability where they have trickster pranks together and all, and sort of killed the illusion that Nue would ever be insecure to need friends that badly, or whatever. I dunno. I don't know what to think about it, lol.

Of course, moving beyond that I began to like MokoKene. Or KeneMoko. Again a similar OTP to KazuSayo. One person is SUPER LONELY. This person, Mokou, has done something to give herself immortality that causes her to be ostracized by society since she never seems to grow old, so she becomes increasingly withdrawn and a hermit to society. She does this for a thousand years or so. (This is getting absurd, isn't it? Lol. SPOTTO IS SO LONELY, SHE ONLY IDENTIFIES WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE ALONE FOR ABSURD AMOUNTS OF TIME) Of course unlike Sayo Mokou actually does go about killing a whole bunch of people, but moving on we come to Keine, a half-youkai whose character is the basis for the initial conflict between humans and youkai. The perspective of a half-youkai is most unique. (Though Keine is only really a youkai once a month since she is a WERE-hakutaku, so... ) anyway Keine has more of a human-leaning view than a youkai view despite her affliction. Mokou is someone though technically a human, her behaviour over the years and her own immortality makes her out to be more like a youkai if you think about it, but Mokou's first friend after many centuries ends up being Keine. I think there's something truly heartwarming when the protagonists need to go attack Mokou and despite Mokou being INVINCIBLE, Keine still goes out of her way to try to protect her and lead the protagonists away anyway. Keine gets beat up and they go for Mokou despite her efforts. She did this at first to protect the village earlier in the game, but near the end of the game the only reason she fights the protagonists again is solely for Mokou. It's sweet, isn't it?

This spawned a ridiculous amount of the most adorable fanworks I have ever seen. KeneMoko is a fairly popular pairing in Touhou, especially when you consider harem lead Marisa isn't part of it, nor does it involve any other protagonist that usually manages a harem of their own. The characters themselves haven't really been that relevant for several years either, until recently when Mokou showed up in a fighting game and some outsider they introduced Mokou ends up befriending and let's move on from that. Keine is especially irrelevant at this time though, haven't not appeared in anything with any significance since pretty much after her first appearance. Sigh. Well that's how it goes I suppose. It's the same with Murasa too. Not all too relevant now.

So I moved on to the last one I'm gonna mention from Touhou. It's relatively recent, so give me a moment. For the last few I kept sticking with this one lonely character who needed a friend. Or a dog, I guess if you really think about it, but for AyaSanae, this time the character, Aya, was not someone who was well, lonely. Her traditional characterization is usually this confident journalist who will do anything to get a good story, no matter how immoral it might be. At first this portrayal was more prevalent in fanworks, seeing as it was a funny exaggeration for the cast's only media representative, but the creator very quickly adopted a similar portrayal himself, so Aya sort of became a caricature of her initial characterization. I don't know either. Anyway, in-universe she was not the most popular person in the world. All of her mainline ships didn't really serve to improve Aya as a character, as Aya was usually the dominant member and would boss around the character paired to her. I hated that. It took me a long time to really look at Aya as a character I would bother liking. Like, who cares? She's not the role model Kazumi was and she has no qualms about how to achieve what she needs in her career, and she isn't lonely at all!

...or is she?

AyaSanae, a rarepair came along and it came with a very refreshing take on Aya. While yes, Aya isn't exactly human (but we keep applying human-like qualities on values on all the other youkai and non-human species of Touhou anyway, fanworks!) she's not really a well-rounded character with any depth to her motivations. Like why is she a journalist? Why because her crow tengu species are all avid reporters too! Well that doesn't make Aya particularly unique even if she is the most notable of the group. Still, as someone with a friendship complex I can't really swallow that Aya doesn't resent in some way that she may not be popular or have any friends. The character most associated to her in canon, Momiji, canonically hates her or at least has a very strong personal feud with Aya. Aya's other character most strongly associated to her is Hatate, who is just another crow tengu journalist meant to be a rival that makes Aya look like the best tengu around. It's not really all too reassuring. But in comes Sanae, an OUTSIDER with a unique perspective who believe or not, when this ship is portrayed, makes Aya a BETTER PERSON.

THAT'S ALL I EVER ASKED FOR!

So how this all works is that Aya seems to fancy Sanae for whatever reason. I dunno. Figure it out yourself. The point is, Aya feels she can't really approach Sanae properly in that kind of manner because most of her relationships to people are strictly business. Not only that but Sanae is a human and that may look badly on human-youkai relations due to Sanae being involved with the goddesses who sort of want to take over the mountain for their faith which is also where the tengu all live and take claim to. It's a bit of a mess, is it not? There's some agreement in place for both of them to co-exist on the mountain, but it's just not good for tensions if most notable tengu and priestess responsible for spreading faith get together, is all I'm saying.

Yet thanks to fanworks bending canon rules, Aya's acquaintances who are more like close friends in this universe encourage Aya to go after Sanae. Sanae's goddesses want her to be close to Aya too, so they can improve goddess-tengu relations, and if they're friends that'd be good or whatever. So Aya gives Sanae a tour but Sanae doesn't really like Aya because who actually likes Aya, I mean c'mon. Then over time we run into Sanae's own issues of adapting into Gensokyan society, since she came from the outside where she had a normal (sorta) life at school with friends and modern technology, and now has no real peers here and has a completely different life with completely different technology, like magic! Aya comforts her in her very own youkai-like way, in that she hasn't much to say because she can't possibly understand, so she just pops out her wings and envelops Sanae in it. Give her some physical comfort. It's all Sanae needed... and for once, this relationship doesn't start off one-sided or stay that way, anyway. The two help one another. Sanae to adapt, and Aya to be better.

Because unlike Aya's more popular pairs, she's not bossing Sanae around and Sanae is devoted to her anyway for no real reason. Sanae makes Aya second-guess herself, makes her flustered. Sanae's go-for-it attitude and eccentricity is unpredictable to Aya. Every time Aya thinks she has control of the situation, Sanae surprises her. I can't really go into much depth about these two because they are a rarepair and everything I mentioned came from one very talented doujinshi artist, but this person (man? idk) singlehandedly not only made me like this ship, but like Aya! But anyway, Sanae's existence humbles Aya and gives her this sort of humanity and empathy she was sort of lacking, that made her more relatable. But this still wasn't to the level of give and receive I was hoping for, but the farthest I've found so far. Though Aya provided Sanae opportunity to adapt and supported her, I don't see Sanae as a character improving, but she does get a friend and acclaimed to Gensokyo and maybe her own character doesn't really need improving because she isn't as obviously flawed as Aya. Who knows! Still, it's the closest yet.

Potential for such a thing came from this next series, one very not-subtle about what they're trying to achieve with the show since it's titled as Friendship is Magic. MLP.

It took me a while to find a character to like actually. I most related to Fluttershy at the time, but my values were a lot closer to Pinkie Pie's. So I was like "wait, why not just put them together!" which was something somewhat possible due to their interactions in the most innocent of times that was season one. In one of the earliest episodes, Pinkie Pie defended Fluttershy's sensitivity, and kept her and Rainbow Dash (who has known her for years mind you) from pranking her. When Pinkie saw Fluttershy being bullied, she came up with a plan to get the bully back. When Fluttershy needed courage to jump over the chasm in Dragonfly, Pinkie's song encouraged her enough to go over. Not her other friends who were clearly exasperated (especially RD) about her keeping them from progressing very far. Pinkie kept her positivity up and supported Fluttershy wholeheartedly, no hard feelings whatsoever. Then several episodes down the line, for some reason Fluttershy despite being the shiest, most timid of them all, was so happy Pinkie was okay when she went missing (and was most worried for her as well) she jump-tackled Pinkie to the ground the moment she saw her. This would seem out-of-character if we didn't note all these things Pinkie did for her earlier. I thought a lovely cute little friendship was happening. It was one-sided though, but it was blossoming.

Then the most innocent of times concluded. One flaw of Pinkie Pie the writers began to make more and more apparent was her...insensitivity? Which I thought was quite odd because it seemed like she grasped this concept pretty well in season one. I suppose that same episode Fluttershy glomped her in she did start a war with her insensitivity with her not-very-good (rather unusual for Pinkie) song to make sure the ponies and the buffalo could get along. Maybe it was a botched attempt at humour, I'm not sure. Anyway Pinkie seemed to lose this concept and probably unintentionally made the whole Luna situation in Luna Eclipsed worse, then her sense of reality or how other ponies felt dwindled quite rapidly, like in the Friend In Deed episode where she could not grasp Cranky's need for her to leave him alone, if only because Pinkie is SO desperate to make him a friend and doesn't care, or just doesn't understand. Then there's that one episode about the cake she was protecting that was all kinds of wtf in terms of friendship, so let's not go there.

Then of course Pinkie realized with such clairvoyance how her own clones were terrorizing the town in the season three episode. I'm inclined to believe Pinkie didn't realize how overbearing she was until she saw several dozen copies of her acting in the most one-dimensional way possible. Finally in season four despite being one of the strongest Pinkie Pie seasons to date (there is a lot of "I realize I am in the wrong and can see you are unhappy and understand your sensitivity" in Pinkie Apple Pie and Pinkie Pride respectively, maybe even Maud Pie!") we had... Filli Vanilli.

I have spoken so much about this episode, but it really slammed on the pedal and floored it when I was already in the wild wide and hoping to any higher power of existence who could hear me to let us slow down. She was NOTHING like this in season one, and here she is making Fluttershy cry with the most obvious, over-the-top cries, sobs, and wails I have seen and somehow Pinkie cannot see what she is doing that is wrong? I just do not understand how people defend Pinkie in this episode, I can't. It was finally here that I realized the old vision of PinkieShy where Pinkie is the one who can help Fluttershy become bolder and closer was wrong. Or at least, only part of it. If the canon is going to run off with this type of characterization, Fluttershy is the one who needs to make PINKIE the better person! If both parts of what I see does happen, then yes this would be the first time the relationship will be pretty evenly-sided, where they help one another.

I mean Pinkie has her insecurities! Her most infamous episode had her breakdown believing her friends no longer wanted to be with her, and she clearly is very clingy to the friends she has despite having more than anyone. I can relate to that! But despite my idea of the two helping one another, over the years and seasons Fluttershy never needed Pinkie to become more assertive or bold. She did that on her own, through many situations with many friends including her animals friends, and Pinkie wasn't there to support her with as much presence as I hoped. It's like Fluttershy became better and didn't need Pinkie at all. It became a one-sided affair once again. I was so frustrated with this pair that had so much potential in season one. I really thought if the two were close friends it'd be a really heartwarming kind of thing. Two people so very different, with different ideals, but both sharing this same kind of sensitivity, both understanding one another. It would be the closest thing to the ideal pair I have seen, but the engine barely started before the car broke down entirely. An introvert and an extrovert who can both understand what it is like to be an introvert and an extrovert. I really wish this concept was explored.

In what i call a bit too little too late, an episode finally popped up that actually featured the two together though they still shared their conflict with Rainbow Dash and Applejack. There was great pressure to do well in a sporting competition, and surprisingly both Fluttershy and Pinkie buckled under this pressure. At first Pinkie buckling is more surprising, but after Fluttershy's character development you sort of don't see it coming either. Regardless Fluttershy is the first to burst about this towards RD and AJ, and is the one to bring up the problem that paves the way to the well-rounded perfect solution MLP likes to do. Meanwhile Pinkie becomes withdrawn under this pressure, and is the one who is unable to let RD and AJ know what she feels. She actually seems like the more sensitive one of the two! For whatever reason this made the two of them feel like they have a lot more depth than before, but this aspect of the two characters hasn't been explored since, and I'm not really expecting a Pinkie and Fluttershy episode actually focused on only those two anytime soon. :\ 

So if a show literally titled Friendship is Magic wasn't the way, what was?

I found a show called RWBY. The title of the show is the first letter of each protagonist who are paired into a group. Their goal is to go to school to learn to fight monsters, and then fight monsters with that group for the rest of the foreseeable future. Or at least in school, but from the existence of teams that existed well beyond school I'm thinking that is not the case. Anyway we are given tidbits of some background information on these four characters, and they get thrown into the school to learn to work together to defeat the monsters and subsequently become better huntresses and people as a result! I watched a trailer called the White Trailer. It had this character who exemplified all these feelings I've had in my entire life, though the lyrics weren't particularly subtle about it. This beautiful girl, who could get hit in the face and get a RAD SCAR despite her beauty, was all sad and lonely. She is entirely by herself in the trailer and only fights this construct which isn't even technically alive. I felt sympathy for her and loved the music and animation of the trailer. I knew she'd be my favourite character immediately, but in the large scheme of things she was sort of fitting my stereotypical pattern of favourites.

Until she opened her mouth in the series itself.

THIS IS AN ALPHA FEMALE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

But yet, I still loved her.

Why?

Weiss Schnee was this type of person I had conflict with so many times in my life, but I never really saw these people's own perspectives. I had such negative interactions with them, or at least my friendship with them always ended poorly that I never really saw it from their side or understood who these people were. Weiss was like, someone who guarded herself deeply and had a lot of issues inside, and she did it by being bossy and mean. It took her a while to accept those around her, but it also didn't take her long to change herself or see that she had to be supportive if she wanted to keep these people around, these friends. She learned pretty quick actually, so her first impression wasn't really all that significant in the large scheme of things. Seeing her White Trailer and then how she acted I knew right away Weiss wasn't actually like this at all, and unlike a lot of people became intrigued with who she was and what she'd become because of it. Because we already knew there was something about her that didn't match how she behaved.

At first I followed the crowd and shipped her with whoever was most commonly shipped with her, but this was a young show, so anything could change. And change it did because the core of the plot for much of the first three seasons was the conflict between the White Fang and well, everyone else, but mostly the Schnee Dust Corp since they're the ones that led the White Fang to their reputations and extreme beliefs to this day. The person on the side of the White Fang, or at least formerly and with a lot of faunus baggage left in? Blake. And it seemed like Weiss and Blake were very integral to the plot for a lot of these reasons. Well mostly Blake for plot and Weiss for character development, but you get the idea. Weiss needed to shake off her racist upbringing if she was to keep these comrades of hers by her side and for them to become an expert, efficient team of huntresses. This included even accepting the former terrorist group member with an endless amount of issues, Blake. Weiss really came to her own as a character over these episodes, and it even seemed Blake was turning a leaf as well, willing to let people into her life despite having been closed off for years in fear of discrimination and conviction! 

Then of course all the shit happened and it turned into Naruto. Where nobody graduates, the group breaks up, and the broodiest, angstiest person runs away. I guess since this show isn't blatantly titled FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC I can't expect it to focus on friendship as the core theme of the show, but I had assumed so anyway because of the title of the show and the premise, that these four girls of vastly different background and history must come together and fight monsters. The fact that Weiss and Blake had all this conflict to get over, and all these scenes where they were helping one another, Weiss forgiving Blake for running off with her problems, Weiss trying to force Blake to talk about her problems to the group, Blake choosing Weiss over the White Fang when they were about to kill her, finally letting go of her criminal past and what really needed to be done, to the point that by season three they were amiably having a tea and coffee date with one another. They were willing to spend time with each other outside of training, outside of arguing about their vastly different upbringings and opinions and were friends THAT HELPED ONE ANOTHER BECOME BETTER PEOPLE.

But instead shit hit the fan.

Weiss let go of her racist ways and accepted how poorly faunus were treated. She became nicer, and more supportive as a result. Blake let people into her life more often, began to trust more, and these people who should be enemies at any other time are not. That's heartwarming. That's beautiful. That's friendship! Heck, even beyond! This is the greatest potential for the greatest ship I have ever seen, but of course, of course, this show has decided writing as a priority is like fifth fiddle to things like adding more characters than necessary in every season and not bothering to develop any existing ones, killing random characters off for shock value, and putting more stock into developing side characters and minor characters over the main characters while ignoring and writing out the interpersonal relationships and interactions I watched the show for AMONG THE FOUR GIRLS. They had it! They had in right in their palms and tossed it right over a cliff! THEY HAD IT!

A non-one sided relationship in which two people can help one ANOTHER improve, and not only that their BACKGROUNDS improve. Fix the White Fang, fix the Schnee Corporation to get rid of all the corrupt terrorist bullshit that infects both their backgrounds and them as people. The two being together could solve them as people and SOLVE THE PLOT but it was flung off the cliff, not knowing what they had. I do not expect them to make this ship canon, but their mere friendship is all that is needed for some of the most heartwarming, wonderful, uplifting, and hopeful kinds of solution possible. This is why I like some horribly dark, twisted series a lot despite their theme because the ending of these things (such as Dangan Ronpa) is always one of hope despite all the shitty hardship and death everyone faces. And yes, RWBY is not over yet, I suppose the show too can achieve that same kind of thing, but when we had so many misprioritized plot points and focus on random one-off characters in such a large ratio of the show, the characters of team RWBY no matter their potential is shuffled to the side and in the end I don't even believe they have a friendship at all. There is no training montage where they learned those team-up moves they had in that one season two episode. It was not as if they did not have time because they had a whole plot about Jaune that did not move the plot whatsoever about his own problems I don't give one flying shit about. The solution didn't even matter because Pyrrha dies anyway. Like what the fuck? Yang goes out of her way to reveal some of her backstory to try to help out Blake from imploding inside due to her worries on White Fang activity, but I can't even believe she'd do that because when Blake and Weiss were arguing in season one and Blake ran off, Yang did absolutely nothing. What changed there? Was there some moment of bonding they had that made them closer so Yang would do such a thing? No because they wasted time doing pointless shit that did not improve on the relationships of these characters at all.

Blake had to resort to random faunus monkey dude to support her in that episode, and now he's the only one doing it which is troubling. If they were to be friends then it would be Weiss, Ruby, and Yang that would help her get past what her issues now especially since what Blake is going through affects her team the most, especially Weiss, but most especially Yang because she lost an entire arm trying to help Blake and Blake instead of accepting this traumatic support or helping her friend instead just runs away and leaves them to be,. But this random faunus monkey dude can totally follow her around. That's okay! Is it because he is a faunus? IS THAT THE ONLY REASON!? Ruby is so preoccupied by defeating the enemy themselves she never considers say, staying home to support her most traumatized sister a little longer, or trying to find Weiss or Blake. It's investigate what happened to Beacon, fuck my friends. Yang understandably is too shaken up to do anything for some time, so she is forgiven, but Weiss cannot even leave her father's side. She is stuck there, so she is also forgiven for not reuniting with her friends. But why bother when no one comes after her, and her final conclusion after escaping her father is to find her sister? She clearly doesn't believe they are worthy to seek out and only her sister can support her, and who can blame her!? Fuck her friends! There is no female friendship in RWBY and that's a fucking disgrace. They have no idea how to develop it whatsoever and instead develop male-female friendships that aren't even friendships because EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS ROMANTIC SUBTEXT. DOES FRIENDSHIP MEAN ANYTHING TO THIS SERIES AT ALL!? WHAT THE FUCK. Penny and Pyrrha were amazing supportive friends! EXCEPT THEY DIED. OKAY. AWESOME.

It was the most promising and it crashed hard, into a trainwreck that was so bad I finally looked away from it. Yeah the action, choreography was great, but that's not what keeps me watching a series. That's not draws me to a series. It's the female friendship I so long to watch. It's why of everything that has been recommended to me in the past few years Little Witch Academia is on the top of the list because I don't see any of these themes in all the other mystery, comedy, actiony things people recommend me. Maybe I'll give it a chance, but I just feel so cynical after RWBY, that I had to write a giant story to fix this severe problem. That I'd rather just play video games and give up watching stuff forever than to put in hope for what I like to see in stories. It's why I'm so apprehensive with starting anything and would stick to the same series and franchises I have trust in over and over again. And it's because of my friendship issues throughout my entire life that I'm stuck with such a specific kind of theme I really want to watch, and see done well. Maybe I just want validation? I don't know. 

Things like Touhou and Overwatch where everything does not hang on one cohesive story is a lot more approachable than some anime or cartoon people recommend. Since the story is not released all at once and speculation is rampant, plus we can always enjoy them both in other words like actually playing the game or listening  to music, it doesn't depend entirely on what canon says. I really like Mercymaker in Overwatch for the potential of Mercy being one of the few people that can help Widowmaker recover. Also it's hot, but that's irrelevant. It's extremely one-sided though because I do not see Mercy benefiting as a person helping Widowmaker, merely doing what she usually does that she has devoted her life to, but it follows the pattern of the kind of pairing I like. Anyway despite that there's not a lot of canon to back this up, it's just an idea and the fans power these ideas. Most likely due to the story being all over the place and with so many other characters this ship is free to be as large as the imagination desires. There's a chance something will come around to throw it off, but due to the nature of these series I can usually ignore it.

One final last thing I forgot to mention in quite possibly one of the largest rants i have written of everything ever, is that I also had a friend in between Beyblade and Negima, a fandom friend when I was into B-Daman briefly. We made up a lot of story and artwork through our roleplays and I spent a ridiculous amount of time with this girl. Sadly she drifted away eventually, so I couldn't think of anyway to put her in this rant since I mentioned so many of my other friends. Still, i do wonder how she is doing and if she is okay because when I met her she was going through some difficult times. I have no real way to contact her but I hope she's doing well.

Ultimately, friendship is hard. True friends are the few that stick by your side unconditionally, and most people have no idea how to depict the kind of friendship I'm looking for in media. At least of those I've seen, but RWBY has dampened my spirits to the point that I can't be bothered anyway. Just gotta stick with what I already have and cherish who are still around. Thank you my friends. Even if we drift away someday, I am glad you were around when you were. And it's definitely true that a lot of us will not know what we are missing when people are gone. I probably still have a bit of a friendship complex, but throughout all of this I went from this positive outgoing person who really wanted lots of friends to an introvert who would rather stay inside and sleep all day. I do still want to have friends, but I don't have the effort anymore. And I know a lot of people are like this too, but even if they don't talk to me everyday or even every week, when we finally do speak again we can pick off where we left off, like time does not affect our friendship at all, and that's the best feeling to have. We're all adults now anyway. Responsibilities take up our time, but still that doesn't mean drifting away is something that is guaranteed. 

This has been Spotto, and I have revealed quite a bit. Adios!

Once upon a time on a cold, chilly day there was a boy named Max. He had lovely yellow, messy hair and freckles upon his face, above which were some wondrous blue eyes. He was hopping about on the sidewalk that day, taking such a path seeing as he was bordered on both sides by knee-height snow. His boots left jolly imprints on the mostly-shovelled sidewalk, appearing rather sporadically in time with his merry gait. He looked up and there appeared to be a large bridge going right over the four-lane road he was next to. He had been planning to visit the store across the street a few blocks from whence he stood, but this was the first he had seen of this bridge. Knowing he had never trekked onto such a marvel of architecture, and knowing it was far more convenient than to wait at yet another boring stop-light several metres down the street, Max took several steps up the stairway, advancing across the bridge.

He stopped at the middle to gawk at the cars zooming past underneath him, as if they had no qualms about the no-doubt icy surfaces they were rolling across. His thoughts were cut-short when one car had overestimated its own all-weather tires, skidding about until it had come to a roaring halt into the stairway Max had moments ago climbed. The hood of the poor sedan was crumpled up, and the woman in the driver's seat was shocked right out, having barely recovered from the air bag expanding in such speeds as to protect her pretty face from the unmerciful steering wheel. Max reacted as one would, quickly dashing across the bridge and rushing down the stairs. Unfortunately in his haste, he too had overestimated his boots' ability to grip on the icy surfaces and found himself not just descending, but tumbling down to the ground. With reflexes like that of a competitive sports participant, Max threw out his left arm to shield the rest of his body from the solid ground below. He fell with a heavy thud, though it was somewhat muffled by his heavy winter coat.

Alas, Max's clever ploy to protect the rest of his body was not a smart one for his arm, which had held out well in the nanoseconds it could to keep the rest of his body from contacting the unmoving sidewalk, but in doing so the elbow snapped right back, and a pain Max had not felt since he was a young child during a nasty bike crash rushed back into his memories as well as his nerves. His other arm grasped the elbow in an instant, and it took him great willpower, the same willpower he used to summon his God Turtle during spinning top battles, to keep from crying out.

And so the story ends with two accidents, damages on vehicles and limbs be damned. The synposis of a story that Spotto read has now come true, from the keyboard of Spotto as opposed to the fraudulent and untrue summary that was one she had read earlier. It had promised the reader, should they venture into such a tale, that Max would've broken his arm after falling down some stairs. Neither of which ever happened in such a story, and a girl, so unsatisfied was she, immediately loaded up Dreamwidth to write down an impromptu story.

None of which would have happened if a bloody antivirus had updated promptly, allowing her a night's rest during the late hours of 3:20AM. But since it took its sweet time thanks to her ISP's incompetence, she had to wait, and wait, and wait with droopy eyes and baited breath, until great rage urged her to express her emotions in that of a pointless drabble.

This has been Spotto and FUCK NOSTALGIA. WHY ARE ALL THESE OLD FANFICTIONS SO BAD!?!?!?

Actually considering how adverse I am towards typing giant walls-of-text on Tumblr, I've remembered that this place still exists! So let's have a few updates here. Typing is a tad awkward as I burnt my finger fairly deeply the other day so now it feels like the nerves on my finger are dead, but that's just the dead skin yet to peel off (says Ed anyway and who can argue with Dr. Psychopath?) so there's that. NOW, A FEW THINGS!

First, my main fandom is still and proudly is RWBY. I've nothing to say about it as it is still on hiatus, and I'm enjoying Tumblr quite a bit with its extremely positive fandom over there. There's some bumps here and there as all fandoms have, but it's been less than I'm used to oddly enough. (well, considering that OTHER fandom I used to be in...) I've actually come up with an intricate AU about the show though. The characters makes it super easy to come up with AUs which I rarely if ever did so with Touhou. I may or may not one day post it here. The other AUs that exist are flipping brilliant, so it that helps too!

One very nice thing is how this show is somehow watched by almost every one of my friends. Initially I was the only one who was in the fandom that I knew of and while I cannot ask nor should I expect anyone else of my friends to actually get to the fandom parts of it (they just watch it, helps that it's fairly short) it's really nice that they do know of it and what it entails. That's already more than I ever bloody expected, but Cunchy even has an avatar of Yang twerking...and like, that is ridiculous. I usually never involve my guy friends into all this stuff because fandom feels like a very...female-oriented kind of hobby? Bringing any of this stuff up with them just seems awkward and forced. Even though clearly they do not do things like ship or come up with AUs/theorize about it, the fact that they are amused enough by something like that to show it off to others is pretty unexpected I must say. I was almost to the point where I thought my hobby was sort of embarrassing and silly, and just keep it to myself or indulge with it over my girl friends. It always feels like bothering them with things they aren't interested in might be sorta obnoxious (I say this, yet enjoy Aoi-dono talking about her love all the damn time so who am I kidding haha) but it's pretty damn cool. To that note, I'm probably going to read One Piece at one point just to see why it's so popular and maybe get into it a bit. My friend is really into it, so it'd be nice to share more interests with him.

All that aside, MLP season four began a few months back. I had done some sort of review thing here before, particularly of season two...and wasn't as invested into such a task for season three (though I do recall still doing some) so that pretty much means you won't see any for season four; however, I have been watching it. It's got its ups and downs, but one of the more recent episodes (Pinkie Apple Pie) was really, really enjoyable. One thing that can easily bring me back into the fandom is a properly and amazingly portrayed Pinkie, seeing as she's my favourite and all, and that had to be one of the episodes where Pinkie really shines. In certain episodes like A Friend In Deed or occasionally when she is a side-character she seems a bit too overblown even if I still do enjoy her character. In Pinkie Apple Pie, she never stole the show or hogged the spotlight like she sometimes does, but shared her limelight with the Apple Family properly while interacting with them in a rather well-written enjoyable way. This episode is exactly why I love Pinkie Pie. She's off-the-wall and thinks on her own world, but she isn't overbearing and when conflicts arise that really do affect her, she can have standard, reasonable reactions like a real person (pony?). That episode was almost perfect and had a great song for Applejack to sing that isn't something lame like Raise The Barn or way off her usual genre like the Bats song. (That song was great but not a catchy song you'd have stuck in your head)

On a much more dreary note, I watched SVU last week, a drama I've pretty much watched my entire adolescence...and for the first time in forever (I'll talk about Frozen below) actually got pretty shaken up by the episode. The perp from the première was creepy as fuck and to watch an episode where he basically tears down the main character like so with such a chilling and accurate performance was extremely hard to watch. I almost dropped this show because of it. Have an excerpt of my discussion with Aoi-dono:

[09/01/2014 10:21:27 PM] werepotato: no I'm used to those things

[09/01/2014 10:21:52 PM] werepotato: I don't even know how to describe it

[09/01/2014 10:22:00 PM] werepotato: or if the emotion I'm feeling is even anger

[09/01/2014 10:22:02 PM] werepotato: maybe disturbed?

[09/01/2014 10:22:59 PM] Joanne: the show depicted something controversial or revolting in nature?

[09/01/2014 10:23:13 PM] werepotato: well there was this premiere two-parter

[09/01/2014 10:35:50 PM] werepotato: where the main character (a cop) gets kidnapped by a psychopath who gets off on torture/rape and has escaped conviction multiple times

so that premiere was very powerful and such, the main character manages to escape herself and the dude is caught

So many episodes later (this is usually a show with lots of mature content, it's pretty heavy handed and can get very dramatic/melodramatic, I've watched it since I was 10 so I grew up watching like, dead bodies on autopsy tables and such, and hearing of gruesome details or the emotional impact of rape etc.)

they give us an episode of them in court, and this dude (the actor is ridiculous, he is very very good at playing a psychopath) wraps the jury around his hands and the main character has to lie (because she actually assaulted him while he was handcuffed after escaping due to all the emotionaly/physical trauma, it's super emotional and sad and such, plus a witness (a cleaner that'd come clean the shack or whatever that dirty place is) and their child came in to do her work, but the main character who managed to escape at that point found out they were illegal immigrants, and she's sympathetic to them because if they are found out, the cleaner's kid will be taken away from her, so she tells them to leave because she needs to call the cops to pick the dude up) ANYWAY back in court she needs to lie about those two things, while the dude who stereotypically enough manages to be his own lawyer, makes it so that the entire kidnapping was because of the main character's repressed sexual desires after years and years of throwing herself into her work solving horrible sex crimes, and because there is the discrepancy of some facts (since she has to lie about it) it affects her credibility in court, and while in the end the evidence of his many other crimes gets him convicted, he still manages to re-traumatize main character and

THE ENTIRE THING JUST FEELS LIKE

DIABOLUS EX MACHINA

BAD THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO MAIN CHARACTER

AND IT'S LIKE ACTED OUT SUPER WELL AND WRITTEN WELL, BUT IT'S LIKE A TRAUMA CONGA LINE AND THE BAD GUY WAS SUPER SUAVE AND CHARMING LIKE A REAL PSYCHOPATH AND IT'S EXTREMELY CREEPY

and I've NEVER gotten bothered by this show before, after like fifteen seasons, NEVER have I've gotten to this point, despite watching it since very young

I could not even STARE AT THE SCREEN, the end of the episode she was CRYING ON THE STAIRS ALONE and the very last scene has the dude ACTUALLY FINDING A WAY TO ESCAPE PRISON

LIKE THE PREMIERE IS BAD ENOUGH WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING THIS OUT TO A FOURTH EPISODE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

IT's gotten to the point that I want to stop watching the show entirely, AFTER WATCHING FOR THIS LONG

Like the show is very long-running so lots of bad things have happened to main character but this is getting just ridiculous

AND THEY LEFT OUT SOME DETAILS FROM THE ORIGINAL PREMIERE THAT'D MAKE THE PROSECUTOR'S CASE STRONGER, which makes the prosecutor character, one whom I actually like (they have hit and miss prosecutor characters and the most recent one is very well-written imo) LOOK REALLY INCOMPETENT LIKE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED

And the main character is supposed to have a boyfriend but it's like SHE SUFFERS ALONE ALLT HE TIME!???! WHY EVEN HAVE THAT ROMANTIC PLOT I DON'T EVEN CARE FOR IT WHY I DON'T UNDERSTAND

THIS SHOW IS NAFJNWTHBJDFkfgndfskgdbskglhfgh

[09/01/2014 10:45:29 PM] werepotato: I hope i did not overwhelm you with all that

[09/01/2014 10:45:39 PM] werepotato: but you said hello pretty much right after I watched it

[09/01/2014 10:45:40 PM] werepotato: omfg

[09/01/2014 10:46:31 PM] Joanne: ohh

[09/01/2014 10:46:48 PM] Joanne: ah, I think I would understand just a little bit of what you have experienced from watching the show

[09/01/2014 10:47:08 PM] Joanne: I guess it's a little bit of feeling indignant over the injustice?

[09/01/2014 10:47:49 PM] Joanne: As much as your description made the show sound intriguing, I would probably avoid watching it as much as I can because it feels something awfully bad for my heart.

[09/01/2014 10:51:03 PM] werepotato: yes perhaps a little bit of feeling indignant

[09/01/2014 10:51:04 PM] werepotato: but

[09/01/2014 10:51:31 PM] werepotato: I just, I was like "I haven't watched this show in a few weeks due to christmas break" and just expected to be entertained for an hour and continue my day and such you know??

[09/01/2014 10:53:28 PM] Joanne: but then it got ruined because of the storyline

[09/01/2014 10:54:35 PM] werepotato: I didnt' expect a continuation of the premiere though

Just a standalone episode like normal

[09/01/2014 10:55:11 PM] Joanne: ah

[09/01/2014 10:56:22 PM] Joanne: the portrayal of a constantly victimised protagonist with a tragic life is quite hard to stomach

[09/01/2014 10:58:28 PM] werepotato: she;'s not eeven my favourite cahracter tho

[09/01/2014 10:58:44 PM] werepotato: my favourite character is usually the hot blonde chick

BUT TO MAKE ME FEEL THAT MUCH FOR A CHARACTER WH OIS NOT MY FAVOURITE

[09/01/2014 10:59:18 PM] werepotato: TO MAKE ME GO " THIS IS NOT RIGHT

THIS IS NOT A STORY IW OULD ENJOY

THIS IS NOT A SHOW THAT IS MEANT TI ENTERTAIN THE MASSES WHAT"

[09/01/2014 10:59:43 PM] werepotato: THIS IS WHY I DROPPED SHINGEKI NO KYOJIN

[09/01/2014 11:00:01 PM] werepotato: I DON'T WATCH FOR CONSTANT DESPAIR

[09/01/2014 11:00:01 PM] Joanne: despair porn?

[09/01/2014 11:00:34 PM] Joanne: oh crap. you just reminded me of tsumi to batsu

[09/01/2014 11:00:34 PM] werepotato: this is like

[09/01/2014 11:00:37 PM] werepotato: fanfiction

[09/01/2014 11:00:45 PM] werepotato: I can handle people killing characters off and calling it tragedy

[09/01/2014 11:01:40 PM] werepotato: I CANNOT HANDLE PEOPLE WRITING HORRIBLE ANGST SUPER WELL WITH TWO CHARACTERS WHO CHOOSE THE PATH OF UNHAPPINESS WILLINGLY FOR SOME DUMB CHARACTER FLAW REASON, AND THEN ENDING IT AT A BAD ENDING AND NEVER EVER FOLLOWING IT UP FOR HAPPINESS EVER

YOU CANNOT THE BAD ENDS I don'ta behjenv

The latest episode though was pretty sad because a regular left and that was like :C. I actually liked the content of it though because I got to the point where I was like "JESUS HE IS SO SCREWED HOW ARE THEY GOING TO SOLVE THIS WITHOUT BULLSHITTING ANYTHING!?" and the episode was written in a way where it wasn't cliché or contrived or anything! So hooray. 

Oh yes, I watched the movie Frozen which I NEVER would have, if not for it being spammed on my Tumblr dashboard or the recommendation from Souless who led me to such gems like How to Train Your Dragon and the long overdue Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, both of which I enjoyed immensely. Frozen was much better than expected, but not some perfect amazing movie that deserves all the awards in the world. It does have the elements Disney's older movies had that made them such instant classics, so Frozen may become such in the future, but there were some flaws that bothered me in my opinion. The pacing for example felt a bit fast. Now I can be a bit biased as I am a person who goes through shitloads of fandom and thus shitloads of stories good and bad (though obviously I avoid/stop reading any I do not enjoy) so it gets to the point where I need a little more to care about the conflict of characters I know nothing about. So the pacing was a bit too fast; the movie assumed I was invested into the characters a little too soon and thus it could not have been as powerful as it could've. The twists were all pretty well-done, but the Hans reveal felt like it came a bit too much out of nowhere? I know in the song he shared with Anna there were some clues and a second viewing would make it more obvious, but damn, that twist really WAS a twist for me and I didn't know how to feel until the next twist came along.

The next twist was brilliant, how saving Elsa is an act of true love even though it was familial love and everyone and their dog was expecting the usual Disney Princess story again. But how Anna thawed and then Elsa realized how to control her powers all happened in the span of like what, thirty seconds? I felt like there could have been some more beats or whatever to not make it feel rushed. Maybe if it HAD to be that fast, Elsa could've smacked herself for being so stupid at how simple the method to controlling her ice powers were, to express how fast she managed to get everything down, but whatever I'm just nitpicking. One other thing is while I realize Elsa was meant to be the villain at first before they wrote the astonishing "Let It Go" song, the way Anna is the main character makes it feel like Disney isn't ready for some royal or princess like character who cares not for love to be the main character (then again, there was that Brave movie I've yet to see) but while Anna/Kristoph was meant to be there to fake-out the familial-love-saves-everything ending, Elsa having more focus may have been more powerful because she kind of went from regal perfect royal person to "I AM FREE!! JOY!!" person really quickly...and we didn't know all too much of whatever was going through her head besides from song and maybe hints from her actions. The pacing was not as sublime as the rest of the movie I guess, but still, it was quite a good movie and one I'm glad I spent no money for because it was actually a late-birthday present from my bro. Thanks for taking me bro!

Now where the hell am I going with this? Oh right, I caught up with Sam and Cat after the break. I normally don't speak of this show either, just like SVU but they recently had a special where characters from iCarly and Victorious guest-starred. I initially expected the creators to write some special that pandered to the shippers or something like that, but surprisingly the special was a great mix of well-written comedy and eyecandy for the shippers. Being a shipper myself I'm not all that bothered by those who ship in shows where I don't give a rat's ass for the romance, but for Dan Schneider shows in particular the shipping is so prevalent I literally cannot find actual discussion on the show itself so it sort of gets overbearing after a while. (Then again, I suppose there's really not too much to discuss of a show that isn't especially deep or enthralling? I don't know) The special basically exceeded my expectations and actually for once, made me laugh. That isn't a jab at S&C itself either; I just usually never laugh out loud at things meant to be comedy (until I discovered Achievement Hunter at least) and simply chuckle or internally acknowledge that yes, that thing was funny. But one piece of comedy I shamefully always find amusement in are breast jokes. Now I don't mean the annoying jiggly boobs of Gainax anime or something like that; I just like flat-chest tsurupettan jokes a lot, where people get self-conscious about that sort of thing.

I know that sort of of self-drama actually happens for a lot of teenage girls and they end up making stupid decisions instead of loving one's body, but being someone who too very much lacks in the chest department, it feels like I'm laughing at myself. The fact that a kids show like S&C isn't shy about it either is pretty hilarious as well. Basically Cat locks Sam in a closet so she can take her place in jumping over the rabid tuna (it makes sense in context I swear) but Sam mentions that people would suspect that Cat wasn't Sam due to her lack of assets, and then Cat stuffs oranges in her bra and says something ridiculous like "Yay boosoms!". Then, when she's about to make the jump, Sam gets there in time to see her crash WITH THE ORANGES ROLLING TOWARDS THE DIRT BIKE.

I cannot simply acknowledge the humour and express content with it. My body must make convulsions at how absurd that sequence of events was, and so it did. Ha.

But I think the primary reason the episode was good was yes, the obvious inclusion of the guest stars. I love Sam and Cat but besides its rampant cartooniness, its lack of various and diverse characters makes it stale occasionally. Watching Jade make her quips or Freddie's reactions or Robbie's buttmonkey...actually always watching Robbie get snubbed gets old and well, nerds are a free target just like old people it seems in these shows, but basically having more variety in characters and not always being about Sam and Cat (because let's face it, as much as the supporting characters are pretty nice they really aren't three-dimensional enough to be entertaining on their own) makes the show all that much more better. That's probably why I enjoyed Victorious more than iCarly, but eh.

As for anything else? Well...that's pretty much it I guess. Happy 2014! Happy almost-Chinese New Year too! I could discuss the despair I have for the Canucks atm, but that's a thing I'll hold up on considering they won the last game. (It's getting pretty ridiculous how much we make the headlines for all the wrong reasons though) My hope after the end of this post is that my favourite character will not die in the next Dangan Ronpa update. This has been Spotto!

This post is only to update you, readers of this blog which is like two people, which I love pointing out every single time and is probably horribly old by now, of my other blogs that you probably care nothing about but in which they have been updated and so I must inform you. Did you like that run-on sentence?

First off this is a bit old but I've updated my Sims Blog a few weeks back with basically an ACADEMY version of all my Sims for the hell of it. Also, recently I've just been normally playing my Sims back in the Gensokyo neighbourhood as well, so if anything interesting actually happens there I may post of those too, but don't expect to much.

The other blog is the SPOTTOMON blog, which I call it such because while it has been updated once with a Touhoumon update also includes a PONYMON let's play blind run (video!). Ponymon is still in alpha however so despite all the Pokemon being replaced by ponies the game is still essentially FireRed.... replaced by ponies. It has not reached Touhoumon's point with the modded music, story, dialogue, EVERYTHING, so yeah. But there is new typing (as far as I remember) for the ponies and other such little things that aren't in the regular game that I've decided to just record myself playing.

So... got that? Sims Blog here! And Touhoumon/Ponymon blog here! 

I would technically say even my Starcraft blog updated except I abandonated livestream and am now using TWITCH.TV for my SC2 casts. (These seem a little pointless now that SC2 has the "watch replay together" feature, so unless you really enjoy listening to my speech impediment I guess this announcement isn't too important either. Oh yeah the stream is password-protected because I am silly. If you wanna get in it's "spectralinfantry". Yes, that is the password. 

As for anything else...uh... I'm tired and wish to go to bed. In terms of future posts here, I'm actually working on the GENSOKYO CRISIS scenario, extending it and figuring out how Marisa will work with her GET-OUT-OF-HELL free card (with horribly difficult conditions!). So, maybe or maybe not expect that popping up here. Also an image of a new (technically borrowed) car. These new things just blow me away with their ridiculous features. Perhaps I am getting too old when a car that has a USB port blows my mind. CARS DO NOT NEED USB PORTS!! And now they do...as with many other things.

This has been Spotto!

-there was once something here-

My words are just a bunch of overthought horsehockey.

Emotions are not always coherent
They are rarely logical
It's something that's difficult to pinpoint and therefore put into words

Man this week has been odd.

During the weekend I ingested quite a lot of tea, simply because I was tired of pretty much all the drinks in my vicinity and even beyond. Beer is not exactly a drink you take in often, and even though I do occasionally have a glass, it really does taste like bitter piss. Juice is always clogged with sugar and you always feel a little jumpy when drinking far too much of it. Water is tasteless and milk isn't a flexible drink at all, considering I contract stomachaches if I consume it at certain parts of the day. Everything I've ever drank that I've loved before no longer has the same charm as my memory seems to indicate...so I just tried some tea...and even that didn't quite hit it up.

Anyway as a result I felt like I was drunk...somehow. I'm not sure, since I've never really been drunk, maybe a tad tipsy that one time but I never really indulge in alcohol. The resulting caffeine (and I have absolutely no idea how much caffeine is even in the tea, or how much of the leaves I'm even supposed to throw in) made me incredibly fidgety. I could not go one second without moving a limb or darting my eyes and for some reason my morale crashed down into the gutters. I felt like an alcoholic at the bar, drowning my sorrows and complaining to a bartender in the number of first-world problems clogging up my life. And at that point I didn't even know why I didn't have the restraint as per usual to flood the waters of the internet of my unhappiness, as I usually do. I always think "well, my problems aren't even problems...so many other people have much bigger ones and mine are just inconveniences in comparison. It's pretty pathetic to get worked up over nothing."

Yet, due to this lovely drug called caffeine, I had no qualms about spilling out what I thought was wrong with my life and how much, in my eyes, it sucked even though in reality I'm a very lucky person with awesome awesome friends and an incredibly supportive and helpful family. And I'm glad that I did. I learned through that experience that a lot of my friends are in similar situations...there's probably a reason we all gravitated towards each other in the first place other than we enjoy the same game or anything like that. That I am not alone in how I feel and the whole misconception about males not really being as emotional or sappy, I suppose, as females is mostly a misconception. It's okay to let out your feelings to a guy friend and not just a girl friend. If they're your friend they aren't going to look down upon you or judge you. My trust was not in the right place before, and I jumped over this most recent hurdle thanks to caffeine.

Even so, thanks to these friends and this lovely fandom I am currently enjoying...I've felt like a better person today than a year ago. Today I went to obtain a few ponies from McDonald's...a year ago I couldn't even imagine myself calling a bunch of restaurants asking about toys. I always thought it was so embarrassing and stupid to be doing that, to ask a fast-food joint about their cheap little plastic toys when said toys are not even for a child. In fact, seeing as I am female it would probably be a bit easier and less taxing to walk up to a cashier and request ponies, or call several stores to know if there are ponies there. I am quite the shy and intense terrified individual. It takes up a lot of courage to even post public messages on an image board, even as an anonymous!

And when I obtained those toys? I immediately left the restaurant as fast as possible, but I could not keep in my excitement and threw my arms up in the air the moment I left the door. I unfortunately forgot to zip up my wallet and coins went flying all over the place, so I had to pick them all up, and as embarrassing as it felt at that moment. I easily forgot about that qualm and remained perfectly happy mere moments later. If this was me of the year ago, I'd still be worrying about all those staring strangers wondering why that girl was so incredibly happy and stupidly clumsy. Now? Now I do not care.

Finally, people are all different and they react and take in the sights they see in all sorts of different ways. Just because one friend found an incredible movie or book absolutely life-changing doesn't mean it would do the same to you, even if you too enjoyed the book. Looking for happiness where someone else found some is incredibly counter-productive, because seeking happiness does not always lead to happiness...the definition and how happiness is obtained is not as simple as seeing something that makes someone else smile, and doing the same. People are different and have different views and opinions about everything, even though they may not agree and perhaps often if not always disagree, the difference is what makes humanity special. Although some days I end up questioning why certain groups of people make certain decisions or how they came up with their illogical or nonsensical opinion, that doesn't mean all of humanity is terrible and life is a pointless shallow pursuit.

I was going to make this post a pony one, just listing a few videos and moments from the latest episode I especially enjoyed...so I'll just tack it on.
ADORABLE

Anyone notice that all the manual labour in this was being done by earth ponies? DISCRIMINATION I SAY!


Man my favourite ponies have been abusing each other quite a lot lately...
To end this post, perhaps my first attempt at one of these letter things at the risk of sounding like a sappy and cheesy long-gone pony fan, if only because I truly did learn a friendship lesson:

So huge, huge, HUGE update on my Sims blog today. All the cast pages are done and two posts! One is an enormous picspam and the other just minor details about the game itself. I also added something in the "THE HELL IS THIS!?" page for anyone who cares. :D 

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As for the actual post? Welp, it's that time again. The time to rant about gender roles. Now I'm not a feminist...or at least, I don't think I am. I'm all for rights for women and such, but I've never been a person who liked using concrete terms to describe a person, including myself. I'll use them if I have to, or if the situation is far too odd without it, but I figure in my own terms like a personal blog and such, I don't have to use it. For example, if you immediately held down CTRL + F and searched for "Brony" you will find one result, the one on this post. P: I don't use the term at all because I simply don't like such terms. Their definitions can change or be different depending on someone's opinions. An ignorant person might imagine a feminist as someone who has double standards and only wants "rights" or in their minds, "privileges" over the male sex which would be very wrong.

So this post isn't the usual "females in this fandom seem one-dimensional!" kind of jargon. Rather I'm going to discuss my friends or why I believe I have far more male friends than female. I don't think it's a coincidence. I'm pretty sure most group of friends tend to be populated by a single sex, possibly one member of the other but otherwise it's cliques of guys and cliques of girls. Obviously I'm not the best person to use an example for this, considering my track record of friends...but I can at least explain how I see it from my experience! 

First off I've noticed a majority of my female friends (all of them) into MLP like the more feminine of the characters. This is obviously not surprising, being female and enjoying more feminine characters. After all, you generally like who you identify with the most and I don't have any jock friends who could like AJ or RD. I bet that's why Twilight is so popular because the majority of the periphery demographic happen to be nerds. I'm probably oversimplifying everything here, but for the sake of the rant let's continue. On the other hand, that doesn't mean every female's favourite character will be Rarity and granted there are tons of reasons to like Rarity. She does get the most quality of episodes, has a splendid voice actress, and her character is a great subversion of the shallow fashion-obsessed female seen far too much in the media. What is not to like?

...maybe I'm whining a bit here, but whenever my favourite character comes into play I have yet to find a fan who enjoys her character at least as half as much as I do, that being Pinkie Pie. Of course I don't have too many friends into MLP and most of them who do aren't major fans like I, but I know Pinkie is a pretty popular character. Is she only popular with the more immature viewers, of children or those who enjoy her humour so much that they prefer her over characters with "depth" like Rarity? Am I immature for liking her? Well, shoehorning myself or anyone else into a single category is unfair, but time and time again I keep finding ways to slot myself into a minority. Trying to find a way to share interests with existing friends is hard when your opinions of said interest are always different. The greatest thing I hate is being so enthusiastic for something only to be responded with disinterest. It's like going up to your best friend on the streets with the most tricked out car you've ever seen and their response? "Eh, I've seen better".

Well thank you for deflating all of my enthusiasm. You can discard this popped balloon into the trash now.

It isn't their fault. Changing opinions simply isn't an option, or at least isn't easy and a lot of people have gone through their lives developing their own viewpoints that it's unreasonable to always expect them to be amazed at the same things you are. Still, that feeling of sharing girly squeals over the same thing is a feeling that is hard to replace. I'm probably as aloof towards other people's interests similar to how they act to me, but it can't hurt to want, can it? The problem with thinking that I'm in the minority so much, even when I share the favourite character so many others have, is that somehow I'm still in the minority. I think I need new friends, ones with similar interests to add to my current ones. But that is a difficult feat indeed, to find new friends..so used to the current ones I have now. "I love this movie!" "That movie was okay." "This song is brilliant!" "I hate that genre." "This episode was fucking amazing!" "Low-tier episode for me." "PONIES!" "You're a freak." "That was an awesome restaurant!" "Seafood is evil." "SHE WEARS SHORTS!" "Who gives a damn about such a forgettable one-time boss?"

My so-called rant about gender-issues was just a poor disguised rant about...well, cynicism I guess. (I don't really have strong feelings about gender issues anyway, unfortunately... I think I should?) Maybe that's why I enjoy such happy characters...because they're so rare in real life? People are always so negative, cynical, pessimistic...and I want to feel joy, but my joy is always sucked away. I need a friend who also revels in joy. I've assigned so many pony names to people in Ventrilo, to actual people in real life, but I've never assigned anyone Pinkie Pie. No one is happy enough. The world sucks and is doomed. There's no point because humanity is stupid and a lost cause...why be happy when there is no reason to? Why be negative when it just makes everything worse?

I don't know. Perhaps my standards of everything is too low, perhaps I am seen as naive and innocent by many people that I don't understand how terrible the world can be and so haven't conformed to that cynical, depressed personality everyone else has. Maybe I'm in denial?

Smile, Smile, Smile, you better be in episode 18.

So a while ago I was up at 3am doing homework, and then was too tired to continue so I went to bed. The next day, despite three hours of sleep, I had finished everything for the first class but did nothing for the presentation in the second class. Then late into the first class I prepared slightly then used lunch to finish while eating. Well, this presentation was given two weeks to prepare, I prepared for half-an-hour and apparently I got a good mark.

You know, in an ideal world people shouldn't be able to do that. Where everything is fair and someone who has worked lots on something gets the same mark as someone else, but in reality this situation happens quite often. This ability though is not always good. I think I'd rather be a person with great work ethic than having these things handed to me, granted if I actually prepared in advance I'd probably be less stressed out and have more sleep, so it's not all unfair and such.

But, lots of people procrastinate don't they? Moreso than me, and some people are probably better at this whole "WING THE PRESENTATION" or "WING THE TEST" thing than me, but any Arts exams I can usually wing, while anything in the sciences I'd probably require that work ethic to go anywhere. This is why despite how boring and uninteresting I find mathematics or physics may be, I do admire them. They're good people. They save lives as doctors and entertain us as game designers. These days we need more of these people, with so many people being put off by such "supposedly" difficult subjects...

The funny thing was, I once had the stereotypical asian intelligence symbiote. You know, the one that means people of this ethnicity are good at math? Yeah, I was once good at math. I liked math and I was a very logical person....I wonder what happened.

After reading through various comms on Livejournal (variously various!) I'm starting to wonder if everything I've ever written has been pretty much the same thing...just replace their names and viola!

Particularly because I actually do that with original fiction, for I am not really much of a person to create my own characters, rather I would twist and turn existing characters or even existing people's relationships because it feels so much fun and full-to-life with something other people actually acknowledge than just yourself. Of course, that means my "original" fiction probably isn't even original. The biggest original thing I ever created was actually with my brother, which makes it something acknowledged by more than just myself. I rarely actually talk about this "original thing".

But it's of a dalmatian named Spot. He is the most retarded bastard ever, who is racist to all humans and wishes his master (played by my brother) would drop dead. He has the biggest potty-mouth ever, and is really just a goddamn unloving ridiculously stupid and retarded buttmonkey that I have been roleplaying in real-life for over thirteen years. THIRTEEN YEARS. Of course with my brother not living around these parts anymore we don't do this as much now. Everything we (or mostly me, actually) put into this lovely universe is clearly inspired by other media. Spot has a sister named Sittie, who calls this boy named Bobby "Sweetbaboo" and is attached to him so goddamn much she could very well be a real life stalker. That name is clearly from Peanuts, also better known as that Charlie Brown guy and his friends. Spot himself, at least namewise, and his mother Sally, at least namewise, come from "The Adventures of Spot" a children's book I dearly loved as a child.

There's more. He also has a younger sister named Evelyn (rarely called Eve) who is morbidly obese. That is the only purpose of her existence, to make fat jokes. Then there is his other younger sister, Nicky, the only-sane-man who suffers from the idiocy around her, especially from another character, the boy next door named Joey, who is so retarded he is basically the Ralph Wiggum of the story. He infuriates her greatly. The universe is so diverse that previously we once had a "Zippo" universe, where all the dogs lived on some sort of "Zippo" dog food, and also a "Pokemon" universe, with a very stupid Pokemon named Pikaspot. There's their GREAT ANCESTOR FROM THE PAST, WHO IS BASICALLY AN EXPY OF SPOT, named WALF the WARRIOR, originating from my love of the REDWALL books and that great mouse in the past named Martin.

DID I MENTION because my brother loves imperialism or something, that SPOT IS A PRINCE? His father and mother are the KING AND QUEEN OF DALMATIA. The other breeds are part of their OWN country and are regarded as their own RACE. (The Poodles are like, super inspired by the French for example) and the Dalmatians are CONSTANTLY AT WAR with the BULLDOGS and there is a HUGE RIVALRY between the two breeds, but as more buttmonkey jokes come up, the Dalmatians are HORRIBLE AT SPORTS and LOSE TO THE BULLDOGS ALL THE TIME? Much to the King, WILLY'S despair!? Etc. etc. etc. There is even a future version with Spot's son, Thomas, etc. etc.

THE THING IS, I never write about this. This is just a thing about my brother and me. What I do write is of stuff NEVER ORIGINAL or so heavily inspired by other things that it should not even be called original at all. It feels more like plagarism, and that is definitely not original. Or like a pseudo-original/somehowcrossover!weird fanfic of shit. Like what. This is why I have five dozen Little Fighter fanfics. IT HAS A BUNCH OF PERSONALITY-LESS CHARACTERS JUST WAITING FOR SOME STORYLINE TO EXPLAIN WHY THE HELL THEY'RE fighting because there is no true story! Then LFO comes out and everything goes to shit. Way to go Hong Kong.

OR we can go to the EXACT OPPOSITE of the spectrum with Hetalia that has its little comic!canon AND IT'S HUGE SUPER COMPLICATED HISTORY CANON! I can't write for Hetalia at all because of all the research needed and how goddamn scared I will be to screw some little detail up and suddenly the fanfic turns into controversy. Nations are too complicated for me to handle.

Sometimes I wonder if I am thinking too much into this. Akira asked me to write a fanfic about her three characters, Ryan, Adam, and Jason. I told her I would because my muse returned when I started writing some fanfic again, but it was really hard to write these three. We had many many discussions about their character but in the end I just kept COMPARING them to some fandom character that I didn't know what to do. What AM I supposed to do? I don't know what to do with original characters. I drew them a bunch of times to try to make it easier (and I've been drawing a bunch lately) but Akira tells me lots of times that often they don't look like how she views them, so again I am afraid of writing them OOC or not being able to grasp their character. The limit I am given is really crippling me. The last actual fanfic I wrote was of that Negima story, you know with Yuuna and stuff? It is completely long and incredibly embarrassing actually, but it makes sense I wrote so much of those characters. At that time they largely had little development or personality in the actual canon so I felt like I could do anything with them as long as I kept their apparent personalities. It's the SAME thing with LF2!

Seeing as those stories don't count either, I need to backtrack some MORE. B-Daman? I believe I only wrote for that because its fanbase is crippling small and nobody and their dog would ever admit to ever being in a fandom like that. It's not really a great story or anything at all, so why did I like it anyway? So that leaves us with Beyblade.

Do you know how the BIFF started? Because of my crappy crack!OOC extremely!exaggerated "humour" stories of the characters attracted some people and we added each other on MSN. That's how it started. I did write some serious stuff, but my writing back then was quite crappy and my computer back then was so bad that I barely remember any of the serious stuff. In short, I have not written anything truly FANDOM or truly ORIGINAL at all because if I have I don't REMEMBER it! I'm not a good enough writer to keep a major character in-character for as long as I could, but also not a good enough writer to actually create characters that aren't crack or for humour! What the hell!

And so here I am, having to settle for this LF2 fanfic I'm writing because it's not completely original yet not completely fandomized either. There is no fandom, it's just a silly freeware game. And now I am discussing with Akira how to not write them in a way I have written EVERYTHING I'VE WRITTEN EVER because for me, there is always THOSE TWO CHARACTERS. I will develop them so much more than everyone else despite wanting to develop everyone else too. Akira's friend came over for the summer and introduced me to SUPERNATURAL. I found it rather entertaining, but did not really look into it anymore, but the dynamic of THOSE TWO CHARACTERS...whether they be best friends forever, lovers, brothers, sisters, cousins, ANYTHING...will always appeal to me, no matter what. It has nothing to do with Yaoi or Yuri or whatever. I cannot turn it into a trio. I cannot do a five-man-band. I cannot do anything with a singular character either.

It.is.always. THOSE TWO.

Even if many many fandoms try to break this dynamic (I tend to have three favourite characters) I will always like TWO OF THEM vastly over the third. Then the rest I don't give a damn. That is all. That is it. Hong Kong and Korea. Kazumi and Sayo. Example and example, etc. etc. I don't really care if they end up being best friends forever, super awkward brothers or lovers, it doesn't matter as long as somehow they interact with each other and are TOGETHER. Not for the sex or the hotness or anything like that, :\ Sometimes when I write I feel like I'm forced to turn them into lovers (while I DO ship them) because everyone else is doing it, but I'm always satisfied if they're BFFs or super-close bros or something too, as long as they're together I don't care. (But at the same time when some third party comes in I get insanely jealous and defensive, telling them to GTFO BITCH even if its not about lovers or anything)

Right, I'm completely rambling now.

Kirami likes to add yaoi-drops onto anything I tell her, like hockey. Sometimes I mind. I love Bernier, he is cute, but I also love Bernier because he is that awesome rugged hockey player that he is, and because he is helping my city's team try to be the best, to get the Stanley Cup, and for the hockey game that it is. It is entertaining to watch, be it the IIHF championships, the olympics, women's, men's, and the NHL itself. The game is entertaining, not everything is about two boy's loving each other, seriously. Sometimes I feel like everything I do revolves too much around that. My brother is gay! I've had it in my life for a long time! I'm not homophobic, but does EVERY SINGLE GUY have to be paired up with SOME GUY? I even like Hong Kong/Taiwan to an extent DUE to RP (they seem boring otherwise) but I love Korea/Hong Kong ALSO due to RP! It has nothing to do with "hey he's hot and he's hot let's make them screw each other" and that the third girl is a bitch and should die in a fire.

Well, also rambling now. If this bothers anybody's friend's list due to its length I'll cut it, but I'm going to leave it like so. I hope it's not obnoxious to do so or anything...

EDIT because I realized how those last two large paragraphs contradicted each other! First I say OMFG GTFO THIRD PARTY BITCH! Then complain about people who go OMFG GTFO THIRD PARTY BITCH! Oh how hypocritical you are Spotto. I think what I was trying to say is that while it IS always those two guys, I largely don't care for a third UNLESS canon or awesome RP convinces me like so. So I guess I am part of the GTFO third party. Though I think I'm against that third party moreso because I CANNOT WRITE THEM INTO THE STORY FOR MY BRAIN IS TOO SIMPLE FOR SUCH COMPLICATED MEASURES and thus my defence is to kick them out. I wish everyone else wasn't like me too, but I tend to not bash the third person, just kick them out because I can't write them in. Like Chisame, or China, or something. I don't hate these characters. I think the second paragraph was describing like, the Mariahs, Taiwans, Negis of fandom rather than the other. (These are horrible examples they will only make sense with my  friends ~_~)

Okay no more editing.