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spottoThis is the single greatest day in my life.
I was hugged.
(Extreme sappiness ahead)
And now Spotto, who is very touched, and also annoyed that imageshack isn't loading the bloody touched mood icon in LJ and is now reuploading it, will sign off.
I was hugged.
(Extreme sappiness ahead)
Maybe that doesn't seem a lot to you, but for me, for these past five years in high school, I was always that quiet and shy petit student walking down the hall. No one noticed me, no one really cared, life was like that. I kept to myself, and others kept to themselves too. Did I seem like a very huggable person? Would I even accept an offer of a free hug given off by some stranger of the street? Hell no.
This year, the teachers I had before I am not liking much anymore. They seem to know me too much. My shy exterior has been broken by them already, and so that tint of freshness disappears. It's hard to explain, especially if you've never been in my position before. I never liked raising my hand up, but I did, unlike many other shy students, like it when the teacher picked me to perhaps read something out, or give out an answer. Obviously this is not the case if I didn't know the answer, but you get my point. Of course this inner desire can never be seen since I never raised my hand. I rarely ever did.
Instead of treating me like another loud student in the class, I felt like strangers to them again. I don't know why. I suppose it's a hard thing to explain, like I said, but it's something I was missing this year. Perhaps it's a hint of jealousy that the teacher likes that kid better because they get along better since I'm never the first one to approach anything? It's plausible, I'm a very envious person unfortunately. That's just me.
Anyway, I do have friends in real life, you know. Just because I have this utmost annoyance as to say HI to you on MSN super fast right when you come online as if I don't have friends on real life and I was just real eager to talk to someone, I do. My stance and relationship to internet friends is very different from the reality. In school, I started out in year 8 as really terribly shy, even to friends. Sometimes I am now, just because I have this fear that something I do that cannot make them laugh or interest them would ultimately bring me down the point list...or something. I don't like being boring at all. I absolutely hate it when people, anybody, the virtual world or not, say this phrase to me... "Okay... *edges away from you*"
I really hate that. I hate being avoided, it hurts me. I don't care if it's like a joke, it's one of those really sensitive things in my mind, and that's why I never say that to anyone else. I may say, "Right..." sometimes, but that's a little different.
So those friends, as I've said, they are different from you, the reader who is most likely one of my few LJ friends. It felt more like a ladder of friendship. I will always be on the bottom if they never tell me anything, or give me any secrets, nothing. I love hearing one of my friends whine (she's a big whiner), and I never got tired of it. Most of everyone else is sick of it, but I just love hearing her whine about everything. But every year for the past five years I never really felt that I got any closer to them. I thought that if I was always sitting with them at lunch that I may be an annoying nosy person who should go away or something. I still kind of feel like that today, but it is lessening day-by-day.
In fact, a few days ago (Friday, actually) my closer friends were off on a field trip, so I decided to stand at lunch, waiting for someone to tell me to sit down, like invite me to sit with them. I stood for forty minutes carrying my backpack and not eating lunch because nobody invited me to sit down. Finally one of them told me to sit down after they had left to get something and other things. Yet I was just a little sad that no one noticed me, with my gigantic backpack, standing there doing absolutely nothing at lunch, It kind of depressed me. If my other friends weren't on a field trip, they would easily tell me to sit down.
On another day, on an actual field trip, those same friends (a few close, indeed) were with me (and I was lagging behind, so once again I had that "stupid nosy leecher" feeling in my chest) and then these other girls asked me to help them take a picture, for which I did, and so when I turned around to go back to my friends, they weren't there anymore. They ditched me. I was lost (literally) for a few minutes because the other girls disappeared too. You have no idea how much I was saying "Fuck" in my mind. I finally found them, and to my surprise, my old friend from elementary (who came on the field trip too) noticed that I had no lunch and actually lent me money. Funny how life works, you think?
But anyway, as I was saying, I felt like I was on the bottom of the "friend hierarchy" and I moved no further to being closer to them. There were moments. Once in ninth grade, I only knew a friend in the whole class, and for that whole year she traded secrets with me. In tenth grade, I was with this other girl in many classes and then we had many alone time together, which was good. (It happened again this year, XD) In eleventh grade I did many a fun projects in Biology with another, and this year nobody is with me that I really know that much, so I hate Biology now. It's not the teacher, it is my friends that make the course enjoyable. If I am there alone, I would hate the course. Again in eleventh grade, I was in Social Studies only with yet another girl, who is actually the whiner, and that whole year I enjoyed listening to everything she said. There was also Fright Nights that year with YET another girl, whom I've gotten to know better as someone who doesn't really care about anything. XD
So yeah, I knew them better in eleventh grade of course, but it didn't seem too much. They don't invite to birthday parties or amazing trips to the theatre, but everything seemed to change this year.
I hate year 12, actually, mostly because of the classes I have. I didn't really get the ones I actually wanted, and the ones I did weren't what I expected them to be at all. (and I STILL haven't gotten a free/study block/spare/whatever you people call it to replace Biology and take fucking Literature and now I think it's WAY too late because that stupid principal wants to waste a month waiting for the term one marks just so I can get out, but I can't take LIT anymore which was the whole POINT of wanting to GET OUT OF BIOLOGY! Now I have NOTHING there! God! Sorry for the mini-rant) However on the social side of things (and dear lord my social life is the suck) has upped about six thousand notches.
It is indeed.
Each year I bonded with them, separately, but now I can finally earn my way up that ladder. The sad thing is...this is the last year I may ever see them again. It took five years after watching them hug each other and I, feeling envious of that hug, and years of whispering into each other's ears, listening and watching to each other's videos on their mp3 players, everything. From knowing secret birthday presents to figuring out friend betrayals happening that didn't even involve you in the first place, I am really touched that finally, after all this time, that odd feeling of being a nosy annoying leecher is gone. In fact because of that maybe I'll one day be proud enough to actually say their names in this god-forsaken journal. In fact I will.
Thank you, of all people, SAM. Samantha, whatever. All the Samanthas in my life are wonderful. (Including you Lefty, yes, you.)
And then there are the others, Holly, Stephanie, the other Samantha (what did I say? =P) Julie, Eva of course, and Michelle, she's my best friend. =) Yes it's Ashley, I've shown you this bloody LJ before. I don't think you're reading this anyway. Blah.
But it was all topped off with a hug, and it wasn't even my birthday, it was hers. Since I did something nice that didn't include using my parent's money...and since I don't OFTEN get hugged at ALL. (The last time I was hugged was two summers ago (by a little kid), before that I have no memory of hugs at ALL. This could potentially have been my third hug EVER) I was indeed touched. In fact I celebrated by listening to Seinaru Sora no Shita De, and Egao no Hana (how very cheesy). I felt disappointed to have to leave to school because my other friend was waiting, and I really wanted to talk to her more.
And so I now feel accepted.
Because I was hugged.
...what a glorious day it is. I am hungry now. I shall go feed on Rice Krispies.
But today truly is the best day of my life.
Endnotes:
You know that basically explains every fandom I've had in existence. I like it because it doesn't have THAT many hints, and shows more of a friendship side, which I like. Also the favourite character tends to be unloved, because maybe I feel the same way. That's right Kirami, I do want a nice fluffy doujin/fanfiction of KazumixSayo MORE than some sex crazed thing with absolutely no plot whatsoever. A hug, kiss, holding hands, comes first before the bed. This is incredibly sappy, but there isn't often emotional feeling in pleasure, is there? I just say there's nothing wrong with it, but it isn't the only thing out there at all.
This year, the teachers I had before I am not liking much anymore. They seem to know me too much. My shy exterior has been broken by them already, and so that tint of freshness disappears. It's hard to explain, especially if you've never been in my position before. I never liked raising my hand up, but I did, unlike many other shy students, like it when the teacher picked me to perhaps read something out, or give out an answer. Obviously this is not the case if I didn't know the answer, but you get my point. Of course this inner desire can never be seen since I never raised my hand. I rarely ever did.
Instead of treating me like another loud student in the class, I felt like strangers to them again. I don't know why. I suppose it's a hard thing to explain, like I said, but it's something I was missing this year. Perhaps it's a hint of jealousy that the teacher likes that kid better because they get along better since I'm never the first one to approach anything? It's plausible, I'm a very envious person unfortunately. That's just me.
Anyway, I do have friends in real life, you know. Just because I have this utmost annoyance as to say HI to you on MSN super fast right when you come online as if I don't have friends on real life and I was just real eager to talk to someone, I do. My stance and relationship to internet friends is very different from the reality. In school, I started out in year 8 as really terribly shy, even to friends. Sometimes I am now, just because I have this fear that something I do that cannot make them laugh or interest them would ultimately bring me down the point list...or something. I don't like being boring at all. I absolutely hate it when people, anybody, the virtual world or not, say this phrase to me... "Okay... *edges away from you*"
I really hate that. I hate being avoided, it hurts me. I don't care if it's like a joke, it's one of those really sensitive things in my mind, and that's why I never say that to anyone else. I may say, "Right..." sometimes, but that's a little different.
So those friends, as I've said, they are different from you, the reader who is most likely one of my few LJ friends. It felt more like a ladder of friendship. I will always be on the bottom if they never tell me anything, or give me any secrets, nothing. I love hearing one of my friends whine (she's a big whiner), and I never got tired of it. Most of everyone else is sick of it, but I just love hearing her whine about everything. But every year for the past five years I never really felt that I got any closer to them. I thought that if I was always sitting with them at lunch that I may be an annoying nosy person who should go away or something. I still kind of feel like that today, but it is lessening day-by-day.
In fact, a few days ago (Friday, actually) my closer friends were off on a field trip, so I decided to stand at lunch, waiting for someone to tell me to sit down, like invite me to sit with them. I stood for forty minutes carrying my backpack and not eating lunch because nobody invited me to sit down. Finally one of them told me to sit down after they had left to get something and other things. Yet I was just a little sad that no one noticed me, with my gigantic backpack, standing there doing absolutely nothing at lunch, It kind of depressed me. If my other friends weren't on a field trip, they would easily tell me to sit down.
On another day, on an actual field trip, those same friends (a few close, indeed) were with me (and I was lagging behind, so once again I had that "stupid nosy leecher" feeling in my chest) and then these other girls asked me to help them take a picture, for which I did, and so when I turned around to go back to my friends, they weren't there anymore. They ditched me. I was lost (literally) for a few minutes because the other girls disappeared too. You have no idea how much I was saying "Fuck" in my mind. I finally found them, and to my surprise, my old friend from elementary (who came on the field trip too) noticed that I had no lunch and actually lent me money. Funny how life works, you think?
But anyway, as I was saying, I felt like I was on the bottom of the "friend hierarchy" and I moved no further to being closer to them. There were moments. Once in ninth grade, I only knew a friend in the whole class, and for that whole year she traded secrets with me. In tenth grade, I was with this other girl in many classes and then we had many alone time together, which was good. (It happened again this year, XD) In eleventh grade I did many a fun projects in Biology with another, and this year nobody is with me that I really know that much, so I hate Biology now. It's not the teacher, it is my friends that make the course enjoyable. If I am there alone, I would hate the course. Again in eleventh grade, I was in Social Studies only with yet another girl, who is actually the whiner, and that whole year I enjoyed listening to everything she said. There was also Fright Nights that year with YET another girl, whom I've gotten to know better as someone who doesn't really care about anything. XD
So yeah, I knew them better in eleventh grade of course, but it didn't seem too much. They don't invite to birthday parties or amazing trips to the theatre, but everything seemed to change this year.
I hate year 12, actually, mostly because of the classes I have. I didn't really get the ones I actually wanted, and the ones I did weren't what I expected them to be at all. (and I STILL haven't gotten a free/study block/spare/whatever you people call it to replace Biology and take fucking Literature and now I think it's WAY too late because that stupid principal wants to waste a month waiting for the term one marks just so I can get out, but I can't take LIT anymore which was the whole POINT of wanting to GET OUT OF BIOLOGY! Now I have NOTHING there! God! Sorry for the mini-rant) However on the social side of things (and dear lord my social life is the suck) has upped about six thousand notches.
It is indeed.
Each year I bonded with them, separately, but now I can finally earn my way up that ladder. The sad thing is...this is the last year I may ever see them again. It took five years after watching them hug each other and I, feeling envious of that hug, and years of whispering into each other's ears, listening and watching to each other's videos on their mp3 players, everything. From knowing secret birthday presents to figuring out friend betrayals happening that didn't even involve you in the first place, I am really touched that finally, after all this time, that odd feeling of being a nosy annoying leecher is gone. In fact because of that maybe I'll one day be proud enough to actually say their names in this god-forsaken journal. In fact I will.
Thank you, of all people, SAM. Samantha, whatever. All the Samanthas in my life are wonderful. (Including you Lefty, yes, you.)
And then there are the others, Holly, Stephanie, the other Samantha (what did I say? =P) Julie, Eva of course, and Michelle, she's my best friend. =) Yes it's Ashley, I've shown you this bloody LJ before. I don't think you're reading this anyway. Blah.
But it was all topped off with a hug, and it wasn't even my birthday, it was hers. Since I did something nice that didn't include using my parent's money...and since I don't OFTEN get hugged at ALL. (The last time I was hugged was two summers ago (by a little kid), before that I have no memory of hugs at ALL. This could potentially have been my third hug EVER) I was indeed touched. In fact I celebrated by listening to Seinaru Sora no Shita De, and Egao no Hana (how very cheesy). I felt disappointed to have to leave to school because my other friend was waiting, and I really wanted to talk to her more.
And so I now feel accepted.
Because I was hugged.
...what a glorious day it is. I am hungry now. I shall go feed on Rice Krispies.
But today truly is the best day of my life.
Endnotes:
You know that basically explains every fandom I've had in existence. I like it because it doesn't have THAT many hints, and shows more of a friendship side, which I like. Also the favourite character tends to be unloved, because maybe I feel the same way. That's right Kirami, I do want a nice fluffy doujin/fanfiction of KazumixSayo MORE than some sex crazed thing with absolutely no plot whatsoever. A hug, kiss, holding hands, comes first before the bed. This is incredibly sappy, but there isn't often emotional feeling in pleasure, is there? I just say there's nothing wrong with it, but it isn't the only thing out there at all.
And now Spotto, who is very touched, and also annoyed that imageshack isn't loading the bloody touched mood icon in LJ and is now reuploading it, will sign off.
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Date: 2007-12-11 01:55 am (UTC)I feel special. <3333333333333333333333333 X infinity.