MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Dec. 25th, 2008 07:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spottoMERRY CHRISTMAS!
My present to you is this lovely Christmas one-shot of Negima! Only three characters used!
Christmas is a Ringin’
Lights, cameras, action!
That’s what Kazumi Asakura did that day mostly. She usually was the one manning the camera, but their director, Natsumi, could not make it that day, so Kazumi took over. She yawned in her director’s chair, watching the mediocre actors and actresses do whatever they could to grab the future audience’s attention, but they weren’t even getting their own substitute director interested. She relaxed her back into the chair, folding her arms behind her head, and staring up at the ceiling. She fell backwards onto the ground when she saw a translucent shape come through that area.
WHAM!
“Ahhh! Asakura-san! I’m sorry! Did I scare you!?” The frantic cries of a familiar ghost clicked in Kazumi’s mind while she sat back up, rubbing the behind of her cranium which had smacked into the floor. Oh, she didn’t mind too much, after all the floor was only made out of hardwood, and not concrete or stone or anything too severe. Regardless, it still hurt and the redhead knew there would be some sort of mark there forming soon.
She only chuckled back at Sayo Aisaka, her ghost companion, who understood that Kazumi could walk off some bump on her head. She turned to see the actors on stage groaning at their abysmal efforts, but Kazumi, being the director, had to keep their motivation high. Otherwise the Christmas Play would be a disaster, and they couldn’t have that.
“Hip, hop, cheerio people! We don’t want a sleeping audience come Christmas Day!” Kazumi clapped her hands, trying to bring up the mood in the theatre, “You need more expression chaps! Push more power into your lines and use body language to make it believable!”
Sayo tilted her head, “Why are you speaking with a British accent?”
“Righto, mate! Murakami’s character is British, so I figure if I can portray an image like her mayhaps these gentlemen and ladies would put more effort into this play! It is for charity after all, and we need to think of the children during these times!” The redhead explained, putting a little too much force in her own act. She was only a substitute director after all.
The ghost floated around her friend, who continued on cheering on the actors, “Today’s Christmas Eve, isn’t it? So you really need to get a lot of progress for tomorrow!”
“Murakami had a family emergency. It’s a really unfortunate time for something like that to happen, for her and for this play, so hopefully I can help as much as possible,” Kazumi continued after a short pause, “What are you doin’ here, Sayo-chan?”
The spirit pointed out the window, and the sounds of wailing could be heard coming from it. Kazumi quickly ran to look outside only to see several children standing outside crying. The redhead rushed outside without even wearing a coat to see what was going on.
“Waaaah! Santa doesn’t exist!” One of them said, and started to sob some more.
Kazumi knelt on one knee, so that she was face to face with the small children, “What do you mean Santa doesn’t exist? If you have a mindset like that, he won’t visit you!”
“We were at the mall with ‘Santa’ but then his white beardy thing came off! Then the fake Santa said Santa didn’t exist! Waaaahhhh!” They cried some more, and as empathetic Kazumi was, she was also slightly annoyed by the constant crying as well. She had a play to do, after all!
“And how come you believe the fake Santa? Maybe he was a bad person who just wanted to make you cry!” Kazumi tried to calm the children down, but it only caused them to wail even louder.
One of the children tugged on Kazumi’s skirt, “I never got presents from Santa! But everybody tells me I’m not naughty!”
“Me too!” Another cried out. The pattern continued until basically everybody was loaded up onto the present-less bandwagon.
Sayo whispered to her friend, “Psst. Their parents are too poor to give them presents, and trying to give them something marked ‘From Santa’ would be impossible if they can’t even get presents from their mommies and daddies…”
“Yeah, and this play is just for them, but we can’t focus with all this crying, and I don’t have time to deal with ‘em!” Kazumi sighed, scratching her head. She suddenly had an idea, “Do any of you know of Casper the Friendly Ghost?”
“Oh! It’s that ghostie on TV! I love him!” Other children cried out similar comments, which only pleased Kazumi further.
She pointed at Sayo beside her, “I have someone just like him. Her name is Sayo. Don’t believe me? Sayo, say hi.”
“Uhm, Asakura-san…what are you doing?” Sayo whispered, not knowing if her existence to normal children was a good idea.
“Just go with it,” Kazumi replied.
Sayo waved, forgetting that they wouldn’t see it, “H-h-hi.”
“Ahhhhhh! What was that!?” One of the children yelled, but another quickly calmed her down, “No! That’s Kazumi-chan’s friend, Sayo! She said hi! Can she say more things!?” The other girl requested.
The redhead nodded, “Of course! Sayo-chan, what do you want to say?”
“U-uh…M-merry Christmas?”
“She said Merry Christmas! WOW!” They started shuffling around in excitement, knowing an actual friendly ghost. Of course if they got too hyper, that would be a problem for Kazumi as well, but her trick was not over.
Kazumi crossed her arms, “Now, if Sayo exists, how come Santa doesn’t?”
“But mommy once told me the tooth fairy didn’t exist! If the tooth fairy doesn’t, how come Santa does!?” One of the smarter children said, only aggravating Kazumi further.
“Your mommy has no money to give you for the teeth you lose you stupid little—“ Kazumi said at the side, but was quickly shut up by Sayo who could only chuckle nervously at Kazumi’s unusual short patience.
Sayo laughed, “Ahaha! Well, um, the tooth fairy only comes sometimes! Do you think she has all the money in the world to replace your teeth? Think of the amount of teeth children lose every year!”
“I’m not sure if the children would understand that, but it’s worth a try,” Kazumi said to the side also, and the children just looked up at them with adorable confused faces, rather predictable.
The kids started to make noise once again, still raging over the nonexistent Santa Claus, and the two girls not having a good excuse to make them shut up. They felt trapped until their saviour turned the corner to greet them.
“Yo Asakura! What’s goin’ on here?” Yuuna Akashi was grinning since she had drunk some of the best eggnog she had ever drunk earlier. Little did she know it was spiked, which was why she drank so much of the drink. It was a Christmas miracle that she wasn’t wobbling around and muttering phrases like an idiot.
Kazumi sighed, “The children think Santa Claus doesn’t exist.”
“But he doesn’t.”
“WAAAAAH!!!!”
“Great, thanks for that. Now I have a play to direct and children to handle. Thank you so very much Yuuna. I’m so glad you’re here to make my day so much better. Why don’t you go ahead and shoot me as well? That would be the best present ever,” The sarcastic remarks kept sliding off Kazumi’s tongue.
Yuuna laughed and ran up to the children, “Uhm, I was just kidding little kids! Santa exists!”
“HOW DO WE KNOW THAT!? YOU ALREADY LIED TO US ONCE!” One of the children was so upset he ran up to Yuuna and kicked her in the shin. This was amusing to one Kazumi Asakura, oh very amusing indeed.
“FUCK! THAT HURTS YOU STUPID LITTLE BR—” Kazumi quickly jumped onto Yuuna, covering her mouth. Unfortunately not in time to censor her little outbreak and the children looked confused again. Yuuna was definitely drunk, wobbling or not.
One of the children tugged on Kazumi’s skirt again, “Kazumi-chan, what does fuck mean?”
“No! Don’t say that word. It’s very naughty,” She tried to lecture the children but got the usual and indeed extremely annoying rebuttal.
“WHO CARES!? SANTA DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST!”
Kazumi could only do one thing after that. Her face was met with her palm, and it was certainly not the first meeting and definitely not the last, “Yuuna, look what you did. Their parents are going to scream at me now.”
“What parents? I thought they were those pathetic orphans.”
“YUUNA!”
Yet another child spoke up, “W-w-we’re p-p-pathetic orphans!? OUR MOMMIES AND DADDIES ARE SLEEPING FOREVER!?”
The cries were never as loud as before. The sheer magnitude of the decibels could rock a city. A headache easily emerged in Kazumi as she growled at her classmate, trying to get things controlled but that was a task not even the prodigy Chao Lingshen with her time machine could do. There were always those happy sappy Christmas reruns on TV where all the children were innocent and cute. Why wasn’t reality the same?
Sayo sighed, “Oh no. What are we going to do Asakura-san?”
“Shoot ourselves?”
“About the children.”
“Can we shoot them?”
“Asakura-san!”
The redhead rubbed her forehead, “I should at least shoot Yuuna. She made everything ten times worse.”
“Guns are dangerous Kazu!” Yuuna started, “The little bullet thingies enter our head and guts and blood fly all over the place! It’s TOTALLY AWESOME! And the best thing about it is all the epic violence and gore! Like the eyes being gouged out, and intestines hanging all over the place! The acid from the bloodified stomach thrown into people’s crotches and—”
Sayo narrowed her eyes, “YOU’RE TRAUMATIZING THE CHILDREN!”
All the kids had stopped wailing, but they were now hugging each other with fear in their eyes, staring upon Yuuna who looked like the boogeyman or some other sort of children’s tall tale involving an incredibly corny for apparently frightening being.
“So? They’re orphans; a waste of life. Let’s shoot them!” Yuuna got up, and wobbled to a branch which was seemingly thought was a gun. She picked it up and started to ‘shoot’, “Rah! Die you sons of a bitches! Die! AHAHAHAHA!”
Kazumi growled, “Yuuna…what is WRONG with you today!?”
“Nuthin’, what’s wrong with your MOM!? HA!”
Suddenly, Kazumi’s rather flexible arm swung around Yuuna’s neck, in a position where the redhead could easily crack the brunette’s delicate neck bones in half, “Listen here, Yuuna. You fix this or I will kill you. I am bloody serious here. You’ll drop dead, fall asleep forever, whatever! FIX IT!”
“Oh c’mon. It’s so easy!” She looked down at the children, “Santa exists kids!”
“HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!?”
Yuuna grinned, “You will on Christmas morning. All your trees will have presents from Santa! Don’t worry, they WILL be there! You just have to believe, and if you believe hard enough they will be there. You kids aren’t naughty at all, you just haven’t been believing! That’s why Santa never appeared! You gotta do the believin’, kids!”
A newfound hope formed within their eyes, and they turned the other way, heading for home, “That’s right! We have to believe! THANK YOU YUUNA-CHAN!” They call waved and smiled, laughing all the way back to their poor homes. The brunette felt proud of herself.
“And that’s how a pro does it. I just pulled something out of my ass and look at those kids. Instant happiness!” She held her head high, “Teheheheh!”
Kazumi, who had since let go, asked, “Riiiight…so what happens when they wake up in the morning and see nothing under their trees!? Half of them don’t even have trees!”
“I dunno. That’s their problem.”
“So you’re just going to lie to them and crush their spirits on Christmas!?” Sayo was shocked.
“Hey, I got rid of the problem pal. The rest is theirs. What more do you want? They’re just waste of lives anyway! So, let’s go home and celebrate Valentine’s or whatever we was celebratin’.” She started walking back.
The redhead just shook her head, “We need to do something about this.”
“AND YOU’RE GONNA PAY FOR INSULTIN’ MAH MOM!” Yuuna called back, growling.
“I never said anything about her mom, did you?” Sayo asked.
Kazumi shook her head once again, “It’s a joke, Sayo…YOU DON’T HAVE A MOM, STUPID!”
“WHAT!? I DON’T HAVE A MOM!? WHAT WAS I THEN!? INVENTED IN A LABORATORY!? You’re so stupid, Sayo! Hahahaha!” Yuuna continued laughing.
“What? I didn’t say anything!” Sayo started to sink to the ground, “Why is Yuuna being so meeeean to me!?” She floated to a corner and began to mope. Kazumi’s day could not get any worse, but it just did when Yuuna tried a swing-and-miss fist at Kazumi’s head for apparently insulting her mother. Then it got even worse, if that was possible. Our drunken girl decided that was the best time to regurgitate her spiked eggnog right onto Kazumi’s best shirt. Hooray.
The redhead fell to the ground in absolute distraught, “That’s it Yuuna. I have an idea that might fix all of this, including my shirt.”
“She’s not listening, Asakura-san,” Sayo barely peeped. She was still upset over the treatment the brunette gave her earlier.
“Oh, for the love of god Yuuna—”
“No, I mean she passed out face-down on the snow.” Sayo pointed at the lifeless looking body of one Yuuna Akashi.
Kazumi looked down, “Oh.”
-
Ten hours later, our redhead was wonderfully stressed, but she finally did it. Her actors and actresses were able to act out a play that was actually tolerable. Finally satisfied, she slumped onto a chair and looked up at the clock: 11pm. She turned to see Yuuna who started to stir in the audience seats. They had put her there to rest, and she even had a blanket over her while Kazumi and her ghost companion Sayo managed the play.
“Everyone go home and have a wonderful Christmas. Be back tomorrow at 3pm so we can do the play,” Kazumi said and watched everyone eagerly rush out the door. She turned to see Yuuna looking rather…well, bad.
“Ugggh…my head hurts so bad…where am I?”
Kazumi smiled, “You’re in the theatre. Welcome back to reality, Yuuna.”
“Why am I here?”
“Oh, that’s not important right now. I need you to do something for Christmas, actually,” She grinned some more, giving quite a fright to the brunette.
She rubbed her head in pain, “Man…I feel so bad right now. What the hell is that awful smell?”
“Oh, vomit is rather hard to rub off my shirt, and it’s too bloody cold for me to take it off,” She continued, “I don’t care if you’re having the worst hangover in the history of the universe. You have a task to do!”
“What…? What task? I’m supposed to be at my dad’s for Christmas…what time is it?” She still was quite out of it, and Kazumi was concerned if she was even able to do this task she must do, but she was determined to force her into the workload anyway.
Kazumi stood up, facing the stage, “It’s half past eleven. Now get into your costume.”
“What? Costume…wha…”
In a matter of seconds, Sayo used her ultimate dress-up skills (She had to do something for sixty years in an empty classroom) on Yuuna and the brunette found herself to be in a Santa costume, complete with a gigantic bag of presents. She finally started to figure out what was going on.
“What!? Presents? Santa costume!? Are we going around doing Santa’s work or somethin’?” Yuuna asked, looking at herself and the bag.
Kazumi smirked, “You said something to those children, and you’re going to make sure it wasn’t a complete lie. Sayo-chan, is the reindeer costume ready?”
“Yeah! I have it here!”
“You’re being the reindeer!?” Yuuna exclaimed.
The redhead nodded, “Santa floating up in the sky without reindeer would be suspicious. Also you have a hangover so you’re probably going to do stupid things down there. Gotta supervise, thank god it won’t be as bad as when you were drunk.”
“I was drunk!?”
“Helloooo? Don’t remember drinking!? Damn, that’s some hangover,” She continued, “Why are you drinking anyway? Aren’t you underage?”
Yuuna looked around, bewildered, “I didn’t drink at all! All I did was consume massive amounts of eggnog because it tasted so…damnit!” She suddenly realized, “DAMN IT! I FORGOT! MAKIE ALWAYS SPIKES THE EGGNOG! GAAAH! I FELL FOR IT!”
“That’s great, now we better get going before the day’s over,” She dragged a makeshift sleigh towards the door.
The brunette followed, but still confused about some minor details, “How is the sleigh supposed to float?”
“Sayo-chan here has levitation powers silly. We’ll be fine, now come on!” She strapped many ropes tied to the sleigh onto her body and wore toy antlers. Yuuna hopped onboard, and Sayo closed her eyes to concentrate.
The sleigh started floating into the sky and they were off! Yuuna struggled to steer and drive, but then noticed she didn’t need to as the ghost flew beside the sleigh. They started at their first house, and landed incredibly roughly onto the roof with a bang.
“Ow! Sayo, don’t shatter our bones!” Kazumi took the hardest impact, not having a sleigh to break her fall.
“Soooorry! I’m not very good at levitating yet…” Sayo apologized while bowing repeatedly. Yuuna peered inside a chimney.
“This looks too small for me—AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Before she could finish, she was shoved into the hole by the impatient redhead. The reindeer could only continue grinning.
“I think I’m going to like doing that every time.”
Sayo floated onto the rooftop, “You’re such a sadist, Asakura-san.”
-
Yuuna found she was sitting on the fireplace, which for the sake of hilarity and unnecessary pain, was still extremely hot from a fire earlier. She jumped into the living room holding her bottom, trying not to cry out and wake the family. She walked up to something she believed was the tree.
“Okay…it’s either a tree or a pot plant…” Yuuna scratched her head, “Oh well! Presents for uh, whoever lives here. I sure hope it’s a girl or a really girly boy, ‘cause this is a dollhouse…”
She turned and saw a glass of milk and cookies sitting on the table, “Hmmm…well something for me wouldn’t be too bad in this situation, heheheh.” She bit in, and what she expected did not result, “…these cookies taste like…blaaaargh.”
Kazumi poked her head into the fireplace, just centimetres above the scalding wood. She was floating thanks to Sayo and stared at Yuuna, “Why are you eating those organic sponges?”
“Gah!” She quickly dropped them onto the table.
“Come on, we have thirty-five more houses to go!” She jetted back up the chimney and Yuuna ran towards it, peering up.
Kazumi peered down, “What’s taking so long!? Step on the logs and Sayo can fly you up!”
“But b-but they’re hot!”
“S-Santa C-Claus?” A small voice behind Yuuna caught her attention, and she turned around.
“Ho ho ho?” She peeped.
The child jumped in joy, “IT’S REALLY YOU!” He was a male unfortunately.
“Uh, Santa’s gotta go deliver presents little boy, but I have a message for you,” She kneeled down in front of the little boy.
“Oh?”
Yuuna spoke very slowly, “You see that blue shirt on you? Bad. It’s gotta be pink!”
“Pink?”
“That’s right! And that toy truck? Replaced by a dollie!”
“Dollie? But those are yucky girly things!” He reasoned.
Yuuna shook her head, “Boys love them too, and Santa thinks they fit you the best. Instead of what you wanted, Santa thinks you would rather want something girly.”
“Why is that, Santa?”
“Because the cool boys love pink things, if you want to be cool and awesome just like Spiderman, pink all the way,” She continued, “They call themselves the magical word: ‘Gay’, and you’ll love it too. Now Santa’s gotta go, so be good and be gay!”
The boy jumped up in glee, “Yay! Be cool and be gay! Wooo! MOMMY, MOMMY! DADDY, DADDY! I’M GAAAAAAY!” He ran towards his parents’ room while Yuuna leapt back up to the hole. She rubbed her burnt feet and sighed in relief.
“A good deed goes a long way, eh?” Yuuna stood up, proud.
“This is more like redemption, not so much a good deed,” Kazumi replied, “Now off to the rest of the houses!”
They lifted off, and off they went.
POW!
But they weren’t in the air for long, Sayo floated back to Yuuna and Kazumi, and they both fell face first back onto the front lawn. She apologized continuously, “Ahhh! My levitating skills fail! I’m soooooo sorry!”
“Ow. It’s fine Sayo…I think I fell on something,” Kazumi rubbed her head, “Ah well. Let’s get going!”
Yuuna nodded, and they lifted off into the night sky again, hopefully not falling anymore…
-
The sun began to rise as Santa Claus, her reindeer, and her elf-helper settled into the dorms of Mahora Academy. Yuuna immediately went to call her dad to tell him she would get home late, while Kazumi decided to retire in bed, Sayo following. Their bag of presents was now empty, and Christmas morning was looming overhead. The main girl herself started to sink into her own bed in the empty dorm room, since almost everybody else went home to their families. Hours passed inside the mostly empty dormitory, and finally it was time for the play, which went superb.
Kazumi stood outside watching the audience leave the theatre, “Man, I’m so tired…”
“I don’t know how that feels anymore,” Sayo smiled gingerly, “but after this a nap would be good, no?”
“Yeah, a nap, that would be the perfect Christmas present for myself,” She yawned.
A bunch of kids ran up to Kazumi and Sayo, smiles all over the place and giggles replacing the wails, “Kazumi-chan! Sayo-chan! Santa Claus came! Santa Claus came!”
“Oh really? That’s great,” The redhead yawned again, not feeling particularly interested. She noticed a rather chipper Yuuna running towards them though, holding something rather…dangerous.
Sayo pointed nervously, “Ah! Yuuna has a gun! Oh no!”
“Oh, so she is going to shoot me. Wonderful Christmas present, Yuuna,” Kazumi stated while the kids and parents and audience people started screaming, running around, and basically flailing their arms around because someone was approaching them with a gun.
Yuuna was smiling, “Dude! I got an airgun for Christmas! This is beyond awesome!”
BOOM!
She accidentally hit the trigger, and the cap smashed straight into Kazumi Asakura’s poor little leg. She fell to the ground in indescribable pain.
“SON OF A BITCH!” She screamed, landing in the cold but soft snow.
“Gasp! Such language!” One of the audience members gasped out. The parents quickly shuffled away the children and pretty much went and wrung Kazumi’s neck.
“YOU WILL NEVER BE THE DIRECTOR OF A PLAY AGAIN OR WILL YOU BE HANDLING OUR CHILDREN! Such disgraceful actions! What a horrible influence on our children!!!” They shouted into Kazumi’s face, some kicking her in the shin. After five minutes of parental assault, they left; leaving the poor redhead sprawled onto the snow.
Kazumi groaned, “Next time use a real gun.”
“Oh Asakura-san! Are you okay!? Should I get you to a bed for a good nap!?” Sayo was panicking.
A child ran up to Yuuna, not really afraid of the gun she was holding, “Yuuna-chan! Santa Claus came! He really did!”
“See? I was right, wasn’t I?” Yuuna smiled, “Believing is the best thing t’do!”
The little boy was also wearing a pink coat and holding a doll in his arms, “Santa is so nice! He told me the secret to being cool on the playground!”
“Well isn’t that great? Now, where are your parents?” Yuuna asked.
“They’re at home! For some reason daddy hit mommy, and they said some long hard word like “divor” or “divarce” or something! Then I heard grandma got run over by a reindeer last night too on the front lawn! It’s so crazy on Christmas, isn’t it Yuuna-chan?”
Yuuna stared at her new baby, cocking her gun, almost as if she wasn’t listening, “Yes indeed, kid. Have a great Christmas and a wonderful New Year too!” She winked and the snow continued to fall on this wonderful Christmas day…
End.
-
Yuuna Akashi, corrupting children since 1988!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
My present to you is this lovely Christmas one-shot of Negima! Only three characters used!
Christmas is a Ringin’
Lights, cameras, action!
That’s what Kazumi Asakura did that day mostly. She usually was the one manning the camera, but their director, Natsumi, could not make it that day, so Kazumi took over. She yawned in her director’s chair, watching the mediocre actors and actresses do whatever they could to grab the future audience’s attention, but they weren’t even getting their own substitute director interested. She relaxed her back into the chair, folding her arms behind her head, and staring up at the ceiling. She fell backwards onto the ground when she saw a translucent shape come through that area.
WHAM!
“Ahhh! Asakura-san! I’m sorry! Did I scare you!?” The frantic cries of a familiar ghost clicked in Kazumi’s mind while she sat back up, rubbing the behind of her cranium which had smacked into the floor. Oh, she didn’t mind too much, after all the floor was only made out of hardwood, and not concrete or stone or anything too severe. Regardless, it still hurt and the redhead knew there would be some sort of mark there forming soon.
She only chuckled back at Sayo Aisaka, her ghost companion, who understood that Kazumi could walk off some bump on her head. She turned to see the actors on stage groaning at their abysmal efforts, but Kazumi, being the director, had to keep their motivation high. Otherwise the Christmas Play would be a disaster, and they couldn’t have that.
“Hip, hop, cheerio people! We don’t want a sleeping audience come Christmas Day!” Kazumi clapped her hands, trying to bring up the mood in the theatre, “You need more expression chaps! Push more power into your lines and use body language to make it believable!”
Sayo tilted her head, “Why are you speaking with a British accent?”
“Righto, mate! Murakami’s character is British, so I figure if I can portray an image like her mayhaps these gentlemen and ladies would put more effort into this play! It is for charity after all, and we need to think of the children during these times!” The redhead explained, putting a little too much force in her own act. She was only a substitute director after all.
The ghost floated around her friend, who continued on cheering on the actors, “Today’s Christmas Eve, isn’t it? So you really need to get a lot of progress for tomorrow!”
“Murakami had a family emergency. It’s a really unfortunate time for something like that to happen, for her and for this play, so hopefully I can help as much as possible,” Kazumi continued after a short pause, “What are you doin’ here, Sayo-chan?”
The spirit pointed out the window, and the sounds of wailing could be heard coming from it. Kazumi quickly ran to look outside only to see several children standing outside crying. The redhead rushed outside without even wearing a coat to see what was going on.
“Waaaah! Santa doesn’t exist!” One of them said, and started to sob some more.
Kazumi knelt on one knee, so that she was face to face with the small children, “What do you mean Santa doesn’t exist? If you have a mindset like that, he won’t visit you!”
“We were at the mall with ‘Santa’ but then his white beardy thing came off! Then the fake Santa said Santa didn’t exist! Waaaahhhh!” They cried some more, and as empathetic Kazumi was, she was also slightly annoyed by the constant crying as well. She had a play to do, after all!
“And how come you believe the fake Santa? Maybe he was a bad person who just wanted to make you cry!” Kazumi tried to calm the children down, but it only caused them to wail even louder.
One of the children tugged on Kazumi’s skirt, “I never got presents from Santa! But everybody tells me I’m not naughty!”
“Me too!” Another cried out. The pattern continued until basically everybody was loaded up onto the present-less bandwagon.
Sayo whispered to her friend, “Psst. Their parents are too poor to give them presents, and trying to give them something marked ‘From Santa’ would be impossible if they can’t even get presents from their mommies and daddies…”
“Yeah, and this play is just for them, but we can’t focus with all this crying, and I don’t have time to deal with ‘em!” Kazumi sighed, scratching her head. She suddenly had an idea, “Do any of you know of Casper the Friendly Ghost?”
“Oh! It’s that ghostie on TV! I love him!” Other children cried out similar comments, which only pleased Kazumi further.
She pointed at Sayo beside her, “I have someone just like him. Her name is Sayo. Don’t believe me? Sayo, say hi.”
“Uhm, Asakura-san…what are you doing?” Sayo whispered, not knowing if her existence to normal children was a good idea.
“Just go with it,” Kazumi replied.
Sayo waved, forgetting that they wouldn’t see it, “H-h-hi.”
“Ahhhhhh! What was that!?” One of the children yelled, but another quickly calmed her down, “No! That’s Kazumi-chan’s friend, Sayo! She said hi! Can she say more things!?” The other girl requested.
The redhead nodded, “Of course! Sayo-chan, what do you want to say?”
“U-uh…M-merry Christmas?”
“She said Merry Christmas! WOW!” They started shuffling around in excitement, knowing an actual friendly ghost. Of course if they got too hyper, that would be a problem for Kazumi as well, but her trick was not over.
Kazumi crossed her arms, “Now, if Sayo exists, how come Santa doesn’t?”
“But mommy once told me the tooth fairy didn’t exist! If the tooth fairy doesn’t, how come Santa does!?” One of the smarter children said, only aggravating Kazumi further.
“Your mommy has no money to give you for the teeth you lose you stupid little—“ Kazumi said at the side, but was quickly shut up by Sayo who could only chuckle nervously at Kazumi’s unusual short patience.
Sayo laughed, “Ahaha! Well, um, the tooth fairy only comes sometimes! Do you think she has all the money in the world to replace your teeth? Think of the amount of teeth children lose every year!”
“I’m not sure if the children would understand that, but it’s worth a try,” Kazumi said to the side also, and the children just looked up at them with adorable confused faces, rather predictable.
The kids started to make noise once again, still raging over the nonexistent Santa Claus, and the two girls not having a good excuse to make them shut up. They felt trapped until their saviour turned the corner to greet them.
“Yo Asakura! What’s goin’ on here?” Yuuna Akashi was grinning since she had drunk some of the best eggnog she had ever drunk earlier. Little did she know it was spiked, which was why she drank so much of the drink. It was a Christmas miracle that she wasn’t wobbling around and muttering phrases like an idiot.
Kazumi sighed, “The children think Santa Claus doesn’t exist.”
“But he doesn’t.”
“WAAAAAH!!!!”
“Great, thanks for that. Now I have a play to direct and children to handle. Thank you so very much Yuuna. I’m so glad you’re here to make my day so much better. Why don’t you go ahead and shoot me as well? That would be the best present ever,” The sarcastic remarks kept sliding off Kazumi’s tongue.
Yuuna laughed and ran up to the children, “Uhm, I was just kidding little kids! Santa exists!”
“HOW DO WE KNOW THAT!? YOU ALREADY LIED TO US ONCE!” One of the children was so upset he ran up to Yuuna and kicked her in the shin. This was amusing to one Kazumi Asakura, oh very amusing indeed.
“FUCK! THAT HURTS YOU STUPID LITTLE BR—” Kazumi quickly jumped onto Yuuna, covering her mouth. Unfortunately not in time to censor her little outbreak and the children looked confused again. Yuuna was definitely drunk, wobbling or not.
One of the children tugged on Kazumi’s skirt again, “Kazumi-chan, what does fuck mean?”
“No! Don’t say that word. It’s very naughty,” She tried to lecture the children but got the usual and indeed extremely annoying rebuttal.
“WHO CARES!? SANTA DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST!”
Kazumi could only do one thing after that. Her face was met with her palm, and it was certainly not the first meeting and definitely not the last, “Yuuna, look what you did. Their parents are going to scream at me now.”
“What parents? I thought they were those pathetic orphans.”
“YUUNA!”
Yet another child spoke up, “W-w-we’re p-p-pathetic orphans!? OUR MOMMIES AND DADDIES ARE SLEEPING FOREVER!?”
The cries were never as loud as before. The sheer magnitude of the decibels could rock a city. A headache easily emerged in Kazumi as she growled at her classmate, trying to get things controlled but that was a task not even the prodigy Chao Lingshen with her time machine could do. There were always those happy sappy Christmas reruns on TV where all the children were innocent and cute. Why wasn’t reality the same?
Sayo sighed, “Oh no. What are we going to do Asakura-san?”
“Shoot ourselves?”
“About the children.”
“Can we shoot them?”
“Asakura-san!”
The redhead rubbed her forehead, “I should at least shoot Yuuna. She made everything ten times worse.”
“Guns are dangerous Kazu!” Yuuna started, “The little bullet thingies enter our head and guts and blood fly all over the place! It’s TOTALLY AWESOME! And the best thing about it is all the epic violence and gore! Like the eyes being gouged out, and intestines hanging all over the place! The acid from the bloodified stomach thrown into people’s crotches and—”
Sayo narrowed her eyes, “YOU’RE TRAUMATIZING THE CHILDREN!”
All the kids had stopped wailing, but they were now hugging each other with fear in their eyes, staring upon Yuuna who looked like the boogeyman or some other sort of children’s tall tale involving an incredibly corny for apparently frightening being.
“So? They’re orphans; a waste of life. Let’s shoot them!” Yuuna got up, and wobbled to a branch which was seemingly thought was a gun. She picked it up and started to ‘shoot’, “Rah! Die you sons of a bitches! Die! AHAHAHAHA!”
Kazumi growled, “Yuuna…what is WRONG with you today!?”
“Nuthin’, what’s wrong with your MOM!? HA!”
Suddenly, Kazumi’s rather flexible arm swung around Yuuna’s neck, in a position where the redhead could easily crack the brunette’s delicate neck bones in half, “Listen here, Yuuna. You fix this or I will kill you. I am bloody serious here. You’ll drop dead, fall asleep forever, whatever! FIX IT!”
“Oh c’mon. It’s so easy!” She looked down at the children, “Santa exists kids!”
“HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!?”
Yuuna grinned, “You will on Christmas morning. All your trees will have presents from Santa! Don’t worry, they WILL be there! You just have to believe, and if you believe hard enough they will be there. You kids aren’t naughty at all, you just haven’t been believing! That’s why Santa never appeared! You gotta do the believin’, kids!”
A newfound hope formed within their eyes, and they turned the other way, heading for home, “That’s right! We have to believe! THANK YOU YUUNA-CHAN!” They call waved and smiled, laughing all the way back to their poor homes. The brunette felt proud of herself.
“And that’s how a pro does it. I just pulled something out of my ass and look at those kids. Instant happiness!” She held her head high, “Teheheheh!”
Kazumi, who had since let go, asked, “Riiiight…so what happens when they wake up in the morning and see nothing under their trees!? Half of them don’t even have trees!”
“I dunno. That’s their problem.”
“So you’re just going to lie to them and crush their spirits on Christmas!?” Sayo was shocked.
“Hey, I got rid of the problem pal. The rest is theirs. What more do you want? They’re just waste of lives anyway! So, let’s go home and celebrate Valentine’s or whatever we was celebratin’.” She started walking back.
The redhead just shook her head, “We need to do something about this.”
“AND YOU’RE GONNA PAY FOR INSULTIN’ MAH MOM!” Yuuna called back, growling.
“I never said anything about her mom, did you?” Sayo asked.
Kazumi shook her head once again, “It’s a joke, Sayo…YOU DON’T HAVE A MOM, STUPID!”
“WHAT!? I DON’T HAVE A MOM!? WHAT WAS I THEN!? INVENTED IN A LABORATORY!? You’re so stupid, Sayo! Hahahaha!” Yuuna continued laughing.
“What? I didn’t say anything!” Sayo started to sink to the ground, “Why is Yuuna being so meeeean to me!?” She floated to a corner and began to mope. Kazumi’s day could not get any worse, but it just did when Yuuna tried a swing-and-miss fist at Kazumi’s head for apparently insulting her mother. Then it got even worse, if that was possible. Our drunken girl decided that was the best time to regurgitate her spiked eggnog right onto Kazumi’s best shirt. Hooray.
The redhead fell to the ground in absolute distraught, “That’s it Yuuna. I have an idea that might fix all of this, including my shirt.”
“She’s not listening, Asakura-san,” Sayo barely peeped. She was still upset over the treatment the brunette gave her earlier.
“Oh, for the love of god Yuuna—”
“No, I mean she passed out face-down on the snow.” Sayo pointed at the lifeless looking body of one Yuuna Akashi.
Kazumi looked down, “Oh.”
-
Ten hours later, our redhead was wonderfully stressed, but she finally did it. Her actors and actresses were able to act out a play that was actually tolerable. Finally satisfied, she slumped onto a chair and looked up at the clock: 11pm. She turned to see Yuuna who started to stir in the audience seats. They had put her there to rest, and she even had a blanket over her while Kazumi and her ghost companion Sayo managed the play.
“Everyone go home and have a wonderful Christmas. Be back tomorrow at 3pm so we can do the play,” Kazumi said and watched everyone eagerly rush out the door. She turned to see Yuuna looking rather…well, bad.
“Ugggh…my head hurts so bad…where am I?”
Kazumi smiled, “You’re in the theatre. Welcome back to reality, Yuuna.”
“Why am I here?”
“Oh, that’s not important right now. I need you to do something for Christmas, actually,” She grinned some more, giving quite a fright to the brunette.
She rubbed her head in pain, “Man…I feel so bad right now. What the hell is that awful smell?”
“Oh, vomit is rather hard to rub off my shirt, and it’s too bloody cold for me to take it off,” She continued, “I don’t care if you’re having the worst hangover in the history of the universe. You have a task to do!”
“What…? What task? I’m supposed to be at my dad’s for Christmas…what time is it?” She still was quite out of it, and Kazumi was concerned if she was even able to do this task she must do, but she was determined to force her into the workload anyway.
Kazumi stood up, facing the stage, “It’s half past eleven. Now get into your costume.”
“What? Costume…wha…”
In a matter of seconds, Sayo used her ultimate dress-up skills (She had to do something for sixty years in an empty classroom) on Yuuna and the brunette found herself to be in a Santa costume, complete with a gigantic bag of presents. She finally started to figure out what was going on.
“What!? Presents? Santa costume!? Are we going around doing Santa’s work or somethin’?” Yuuna asked, looking at herself and the bag.
Kazumi smirked, “You said something to those children, and you’re going to make sure it wasn’t a complete lie. Sayo-chan, is the reindeer costume ready?”
“Yeah! I have it here!”
“You’re being the reindeer!?” Yuuna exclaimed.
The redhead nodded, “Santa floating up in the sky without reindeer would be suspicious. Also you have a hangover so you’re probably going to do stupid things down there. Gotta supervise, thank god it won’t be as bad as when you were drunk.”
“I was drunk!?”
“Helloooo? Don’t remember drinking!? Damn, that’s some hangover,” She continued, “Why are you drinking anyway? Aren’t you underage?”
Yuuna looked around, bewildered, “I didn’t drink at all! All I did was consume massive amounts of eggnog because it tasted so…damnit!” She suddenly realized, “DAMN IT! I FORGOT! MAKIE ALWAYS SPIKES THE EGGNOG! GAAAH! I FELL FOR IT!”
“That’s great, now we better get going before the day’s over,” She dragged a makeshift sleigh towards the door.
The brunette followed, but still confused about some minor details, “How is the sleigh supposed to float?”
“Sayo-chan here has levitation powers silly. We’ll be fine, now come on!” She strapped many ropes tied to the sleigh onto her body and wore toy antlers. Yuuna hopped onboard, and Sayo closed her eyes to concentrate.
The sleigh started floating into the sky and they were off! Yuuna struggled to steer and drive, but then noticed she didn’t need to as the ghost flew beside the sleigh. They started at their first house, and landed incredibly roughly onto the roof with a bang.
“Ow! Sayo, don’t shatter our bones!” Kazumi took the hardest impact, not having a sleigh to break her fall.
“Soooorry! I’m not very good at levitating yet…” Sayo apologized while bowing repeatedly. Yuuna peered inside a chimney.
“This looks too small for me—AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Before she could finish, she was shoved into the hole by the impatient redhead. The reindeer could only continue grinning.
“I think I’m going to like doing that every time.”
Sayo floated onto the rooftop, “You’re such a sadist, Asakura-san.”
-
Yuuna found she was sitting on the fireplace, which for the sake of hilarity and unnecessary pain, was still extremely hot from a fire earlier. She jumped into the living room holding her bottom, trying not to cry out and wake the family. She walked up to something she believed was the tree.
“Okay…it’s either a tree or a pot plant…” Yuuna scratched her head, “Oh well! Presents for uh, whoever lives here. I sure hope it’s a girl or a really girly boy, ‘cause this is a dollhouse…”
She turned and saw a glass of milk and cookies sitting on the table, “Hmmm…well something for me wouldn’t be too bad in this situation, heheheh.” She bit in, and what she expected did not result, “…these cookies taste like…blaaaargh.”
Kazumi poked her head into the fireplace, just centimetres above the scalding wood. She was floating thanks to Sayo and stared at Yuuna, “Why are you eating those organic sponges?”
“Gah!” She quickly dropped them onto the table.
“Come on, we have thirty-five more houses to go!” She jetted back up the chimney and Yuuna ran towards it, peering up.
Kazumi peered down, “What’s taking so long!? Step on the logs and Sayo can fly you up!”
“But b-but they’re hot!”
“S-Santa C-Claus?” A small voice behind Yuuna caught her attention, and she turned around.
“Ho ho ho?” She peeped.
The child jumped in joy, “IT’S REALLY YOU!” He was a male unfortunately.
“Uh, Santa’s gotta go deliver presents little boy, but I have a message for you,” She kneeled down in front of the little boy.
“Oh?”
Yuuna spoke very slowly, “You see that blue shirt on you? Bad. It’s gotta be pink!”
“Pink?”
“That’s right! And that toy truck? Replaced by a dollie!”
“Dollie? But those are yucky girly things!” He reasoned.
Yuuna shook her head, “Boys love them too, and Santa thinks they fit you the best. Instead of what you wanted, Santa thinks you would rather want something girly.”
“Why is that, Santa?”
“Because the cool boys love pink things, if you want to be cool and awesome just like Spiderman, pink all the way,” She continued, “They call themselves the magical word: ‘Gay’, and you’ll love it too. Now Santa’s gotta go, so be good and be gay!”
The boy jumped up in glee, “Yay! Be cool and be gay! Wooo! MOMMY, MOMMY! DADDY, DADDY! I’M GAAAAAAY!” He ran towards his parents’ room while Yuuna leapt back up to the hole. She rubbed her burnt feet and sighed in relief.
“A good deed goes a long way, eh?” Yuuna stood up, proud.
“This is more like redemption, not so much a good deed,” Kazumi replied, “Now off to the rest of the houses!”
They lifted off, and off they went.
POW!
But they weren’t in the air for long, Sayo floated back to Yuuna and Kazumi, and they both fell face first back onto the front lawn. She apologized continuously, “Ahhh! My levitating skills fail! I’m soooooo sorry!”
“Ow. It’s fine Sayo…I think I fell on something,” Kazumi rubbed her head, “Ah well. Let’s get going!”
Yuuna nodded, and they lifted off into the night sky again, hopefully not falling anymore…
-
The sun began to rise as Santa Claus, her reindeer, and her elf-helper settled into the dorms of Mahora Academy. Yuuna immediately went to call her dad to tell him she would get home late, while Kazumi decided to retire in bed, Sayo following. Their bag of presents was now empty, and Christmas morning was looming overhead. The main girl herself started to sink into her own bed in the empty dorm room, since almost everybody else went home to their families. Hours passed inside the mostly empty dormitory, and finally it was time for the play, which went superb.
Kazumi stood outside watching the audience leave the theatre, “Man, I’m so tired…”
“I don’t know how that feels anymore,” Sayo smiled gingerly, “but after this a nap would be good, no?”
“Yeah, a nap, that would be the perfect Christmas present for myself,” She yawned.
A bunch of kids ran up to Kazumi and Sayo, smiles all over the place and giggles replacing the wails, “Kazumi-chan! Sayo-chan! Santa Claus came! Santa Claus came!”
“Oh really? That’s great,” The redhead yawned again, not feeling particularly interested. She noticed a rather chipper Yuuna running towards them though, holding something rather…dangerous.
Sayo pointed nervously, “Ah! Yuuna has a gun! Oh no!”
“Oh, so she is going to shoot me. Wonderful Christmas present, Yuuna,” Kazumi stated while the kids and parents and audience people started screaming, running around, and basically flailing their arms around because someone was approaching them with a gun.
Yuuna was smiling, “Dude! I got an airgun for Christmas! This is beyond awesome!”
BOOM!
She accidentally hit the trigger, and the cap smashed straight into Kazumi Asakura’s poor little leg. She fell to the ground in indescribable pain.
“SON OF A BITCH!” She screamed, landing in the cold but soft snow.
“Gasp! Such language!” One of the audience members gasped out. The parents quickly shuffled away the children and pretty much went and wrung Kazumi’s neck.
“YOU WILL NEVER BE THE DIRECTOR OF A PLAY AGAIN OR WILL YOU BE HANDLING OUR CHILDREN! Such disgraceful actions! What a horrible influence on our children!!!” They shouted into Kazumi’s face, some kicking her in the shin. After five minutes of parental assault, they left; leaving the poor redhead sprawled onto the snow.
Kazumi groaned, “Next time use a real gun.”
“Oh Asakura-san! Are you okay!? Should I get you to a bed for a good nap!?” Sayo was panicking.
A child ran up to Yuuna, not really afraid of the gun she was holding, “Yuuna-chan! Santa Claus came! He really did!”
“See? I was right, wasn’t I?” Yuuna smiled, “Believing is the best thing t’do!”
The little boy was also wearing a pink coat and holding a doll in his arms, “Santa is so nice! He told me the secret to being cool on the playground!”
“Well isn’t that great? Now, where are your parents?” Yuuna asked.
“They’re at home! For some reason daddy hit mommy, and they said some long hard word like “divor” or “divarce” or something! Then I heard grandma got run over by a reindeer last night too on the front lawn! It’s so crazy on Christmas, isn’t it Yuuna-chan?”
Yuuna stared at her new baby, cocking her gun, almost as if she wasn’t listening, “Yes indeed, kid. Have a great Christmas and a wonderful New Year too!” She winked and the snow continued to fall on this wonderful Christmas day…
End.
-
Yuuna Akashi, corrupting children since 1988!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
