(no subject)
Dec. 1st, 2005 09:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spottoIn the world, there are the happy people (Edmonton hockey fans for today) and the unhappy people (Canucks hockey fans for today)
I don't know, sometimes I expect people to cheer me up, as I have done to others, but maybe I'm sounding selfish because I don't get anything back. Maybe I do get something back, but I just don't realize it. Maybe we do nice things for each other not to owe people but because we want too, and I have, I wanted to, many, many times.
But are friends, friends if they don't do anything nice back, despite it be a favour in return or not? I just keep feeling I give about 200% to people and they give 10% back, and maybe they don't, maybe they give 300% back, but maybe I just don't notice it. It's how I feel right now, a natural feeling I always have, and I don't know why. Perhaps I am right and I have done too much for people. The BIFF, the clan, the sites for clans, everything. Even letting my friends take my position so they can be closer to their "preferred" friends. I always feel I have to be the best friend, the one you got to choose, even through the whole group. Yet I don't want to try to do that, because I'm not.
I keep thinking I'm normal, and then minutes later I think I'm not. Me? I'm just that girl down the street from you, I'm not middle-middle class, I'm lower-middle class. How many girls have fathers with heart problems? How many girls have obsessions with things that aren't very much obsessed over? How many girls go on LJ and rant about things for no reason? How many girls have so many friends on the internet, so many skills on the computer, how many girls are computer geeks? Am I the average girl with a new cellphone everyday, the average girl with the typical personality? I consider myself VERY balanced, although I might be more conservative.
I have 3 groups of friends, I don't know which one of them understands me the most, well, actually I do. The clan members only care about fun and boy stuff, the school friends don't know anything about me, so who? The BIFF. They're girls, like me. They liked Beyblade, like me, and we all had somewhat a shared obsession once. Those are the days I truly missed.
But what if I'm not on the internet or at school and my family and friends are all out? My hamster. Grade 9, was my worst year, and Vulcan Max helped me through it. Hammy and Hobo helped me through 8th grade, but they're were two of them and there was this kid downstairs that I always had a fun time with. The kid moves, the hamster passes on, the friends drift away slowly, my family becoming more distant, and then I meet my clan buds, but they're don't know how I feel because I'm a girl, and they are boys. Obviously a boy does not know the insides of a girl's mind.
Yet, the BIFF are drifting apart too, when was the last time I saw Lefty and Drix, the once most active and popular BIFF on MSN? Drix is alive, but I haven't had one good conversation with her yet, just little comments in LJ. And the forum, lefty's been there maybe 3 weeks ago, where has she gone? It seems that Aoi is the only person left, because Aoi also says hi to me, not me say hi to her first. Which is a problem for a lot of BIFF. If I say hi to someone, that means I want to talk to them, and if they say hi to me first, THEY want to talk to me. Now I end up seeing msot of the BIFF never bothering to want to talk to me, maybe I should talk to them, but it just feels good when someone wants to talk to you, like a friend.
And how many girls talk about this stuff? Only me. I am a loner at school. I do have a best friend there, but we're both loners, nerds, geeks, dorks, if you are a popular skanky bitch and that's what you want to nickname me. I remember myself, giving advice, encouraging people, when my own self-esteem isn't so high. I just feel like right now everybody thinks I'm a robot. I have never thought of myself has invisible and maybe a couple of times unwanted, but now I feel like a robot. People think I don't have emotions, ESPECIALLY at school. Here, people don't really notice me much at all.
Taking a break is not the answer, and I'm angry because of my family, so taking a break means spending time with the family, who I want to get away from, but I'm not getting great happiness on this computer. I mean, I stopped playing Soldat due to computer problems, and I spend my time writing random stories or surfing the net, as if I'm a drifter, the wandering stranger you will probably never see again, but you do.
Because I am a person. I am not a dog, not a flying tiger, and not an emotionless robot. I am a human being and I have thoughts and feelings too.
So try thinking about that, everyone of you.
And Xanga is another journal site, Cheese, it just has more features and the ability to put music and stuff on it. Like a geocities version of Blogger.
Thus ends my rant for the day. I still think about Vulcan Max, and how my family don't seem to give a rat's ass about except my brother a little. They treat the hamster as if it were a goldfish. If I hadn't existed they'd throw Max into the garbage or flush him down the toilet.
My family are completely pessimistic people, for example, if you find them watching hockey, and the Canucks score, they call that lucky. They have never said the player was GOOD or SKILLED. And if they score on us, they blame THE GOALIE CONSTANTLY, where it could've been the defense, and not the goalie. And if the goalie makes a wonderful save, that call it LUCKY. If a good goalie starts doing bad, they don't say he's having a bad night, they say he sucks, should be pulled, and for them to get a NEW goalie. They are treating the hockey players as if they only exist to play for your entertainment. They are ALSO PEOPLE, and they have BAD DAYS too, NOBODY IS PERFECT and I'm the only non-pessimistic (I will not consider myself optimistic in this mood) in this god damned family.
Stop believing in luck and start thinking people actually aren't stupid, maybe most of us are, but we are people, and we should stop fighting ourselves! People don't only destroy themselves, they destroy everything else too, probably in 3000 years we'd have the technology to dump garbage in space, and by 2 million eyars SPACE WOULD BE POLLUTED.
And I can't watch B-daman on this fucking computer, it lags too bad, which pissed me off yesterday.
Now to end that rant, may all of you have a good night.
-spot
EXTRA!! (Let's hope this isn't scrunched up, to lazy to put HTML break tags because you can't edit in rich text mode)
STEP ONE
- Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fun ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.
- If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.
- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post so that the holiday joy will spread.
STEP TWO
- Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:
- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it. Once a wish has been granted, it will be crossed off my list.
You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.
There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.
My wishlist
1. A hamster...or someone to fill in Vulcan Max's position.("Just being there for me")
2. New computer...with good graphics card, speakers, keyboard, mouse, and monitor included. With at least 80GB diskspace and 512MB RAM, and it must look cool and not kill off much energy.
3. A ticket to Japan!
4. For my friends to be alive some more...O.o
5. 4 tickets to a Canucks game.
6. A happy glomp! LOTSA HAPPY GLOMPS!
7. (I don't think this is possible, lol) A LI PLUSHIE!
8. Eternal Happiness (....that might not be possible either, lol)
9. No Wars (Not world peace, I still want violent video games and some violence on TV, the news, and on sports)
10. A surprise. (I have never in my LIFE been surprised on anything at ALL[that's good], so I want that, something unbelievably generous or something that will surprise me)
(Argh, it scrunched up, so I put break tags...-_-)
I don't know, sometimes I expect people to cheer me up, as I have done to others, but maybe I'm sounding selfish because I don't get anything back. Maybe I do get something back, but I just don't realize it. Maybe we do nice things for each other not to owe people but because we want too, and I have, I wanted to, many, many times.
But are friends, friends if they don't do anything nice back, despite it be a favour in return or not? I just keep feeling I give about 200% to people and they give 10% back, and maybe they don't, maybe they give 300% back, but maybe I just don't notice it. It's how I feel right now, a natural feeling I always have, and I don't know why. Perhaps I am right and I have done too much for people. The BIFF, the clan, the sites for clans, everything. Even letting my friends take my position so they can be closer to their "preferred" friends. I always feel I have to be the best friend, the one you got to choose, even through the whole group. Yet I don't want to try to do that, because I'm not.
I keep thinking I'm normal, and then minutes later I think I'm not. Me? I'm just that girl down the street from you, I'm not middle-middle class, I'm lower-middle class. How many girls have fathers with heart problems? How many girls have obsessions with things that aren't very much obsessed over? How many girls go on LJ and rant about things for no reason? How many girls have so many friends on the internet, so many skills on the computer, how many girls are computer geeks? Am I the average girl with a new cellphone everyday, the average girl with the typical personality? I consider myself VERY balanced, although I might be more conservative.
I have 3 groups of friends, I don't know which one of them understands me the most, well, actually I do. The clan members only care about fun and boy stuff, the school friends don't know anything about me, so who? The BIFF. They're girls, like me. They liked Beyblade, like me, and we all had somewhat a shared obsession once. Those are the days I truly missed.
But what if I'm not on the internet or at school and my family and friends are all out? My hamster. Grade 9, was my worst year, and Vulcan Max helped me through it. Hammy and Hobo helped me through 8th grade, but they're were two of them and there was this kid downstairs that I always had a fun time with. The kid moves, the hamster passes on, the friends drift away slowly, my family becoming more distant, and then I meet my clan buds, but they're don't know how I feel because I'm a girl, and they are boys. Obviously a boy does not know the insides of a girl's mind.
Yet, the BIFF are drifting apart too, when was the last time I saw Lefty and Drix, the once most active and popular BIFF on MSN? Drix is alive, but I haven't had one good conversation with her yet, just little comments in LJ. And the forum, lefty's been there maybe 3 weeks ago, where has she gone? It seems that Aoi is the only person left, because Aoi also says hi to me, not me say hi to her first. Which is a problem for a lot of BIFF. If I say hi to someone, that means I want to talk to them, and if they say hi to me first, THEY want to talk to me. Now I end up seeing msot of the BIFF never bothering to want to talk to me, maybe I should talk to them, but it just feels good when someone wants to talk to you, like a friend.
And how many girls talk about this stuff? Only me. I am a loner at school. I do have a best friend there, but we're both loners, nerds, geeks, dorks, if you are a popular skanky bitch and that's what you want to nickname me. I remember myself, giving advice, encouraging people, when my own self-esteem isn't so high. I just feel like right now everybody thinks I'm a robot. I have never thought of myself has invisible and maybe a couple of times unwanted, but now I feel like a robot. People think I don't have emotions, ESPECIALLY at school. Here, people don't really notice me much at all.
Taking a break is not the answer, and I'm angry because of my family, so taking a break means spending time with the family, who I want to get away from, but I'm not getting great happiness on this computer. I mean, I stopped playing Soldat due to computer problems, and I spend my time writing random stories or surfing the net, as if I'm a drifter, the wandering stranger you will probably never see again, but you do.
Because I am a person. I am not a dog, not a flying tiger, and not an emotionless robot. I am a human being and I have thoughts and feelings too.
So try thinking about that, everyone of you.
And Xanga is another journal site, Cheese, it just has more features and the ability to put music and stuff on it. Like a geocities version of Blogger.
Thus ends my rant for the day. I still think about Vulcan Max, and how my family don't seem to give a rat's ass about except my brother a little. They treat the hamster as if it were a goldfish. If I hadn't existed they'd throw Max into the garbage or flush him down the toilet.
My family are completely pessimistic people, for example, if you find them watching hockey, and the Canucks score, they call that lucky. They have never said the player was GOOD or SKILLED. And if they score on us, they blame THE GOALIE CONSTANTLY, where it could've been the defense, and not the goalie. And if the goalie makes a wonderful save, that call it LUCKY. If a good goalie starts doing bad, they don't say he's having a bad night, they say he sucks, should be pulled, and for them to get a NEW goalie. They are treating the hockey players as if they only exist to play for your entertainment. They are ALSO PEOPLE, and they have BAD DAYS too, NOBODY IS PERFECT and I'm the only non-pessimistic (I will not consider myself optimistic in this mood) in this god damned family.
Stop believing in luck and start thinking people actually aren't stupid, maybe most of us are, but we are people, and we should stop fighting ourselves! People don't only destroy themselves, they destroy everything else too, probably in 3000 years we'd have the technology to dump garbage in space, and by 2 million eyars SPACE WOULD BE POLLUTED.
And I can't watch B-daman on this fucking computer, it lags too bad, which pissed me off yesterday.
Now to end that rant, may all of you have a good night.
-spot
EXTRA!! (Let's hope this isn't scrunched up, to lazy to put HTML break tags because you can't edit in rich text mode)
STEP ONE
- Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fun ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.
- If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.
- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post so that the holiday joy will spread.
STEP TWO
- Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:
- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it. Once a wish has been granted, it will be crossed off my list.
You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.
There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.
My wishlist
1. A hamster...or someone to fill in Vulcan Max's position.("Just being there for me")
2. New computer...with good graphics card, speakers, keyboard, mouse, and monitor included. With at least 80GB diskspace and 512MB RAM, and it must look cool and not kill off much energy.
3. A ticket to Japan!
4. For my friends to be alive some more...O.o
5. 4 tickets to a Canucks game.
6. A happy glomp! LOTSA HAPPY GLOMPS!
7. (I don't think this is possible, lol) A LI PLUSHIE!
8. Eternal Happiness (....that might not be possible either, lol)
9. No Wars (Not world peace, I still want violent video games and some violence on TV, the news, and on sports)
10. A surprise. (I have never in my LIFE been surprised on anything at ALL[that's good], so I want that, something unbelievably generous or something that will surprise me)
(Argh, it scrunched up, so I put break tags...-_-)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-02 09:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-02 07:30 pm (UTC)And just two days ago I was imagining nice looking people with wide cracking teeth-blinding smiles with Aoi!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-03 05:28 am (UTC)I'll try and think of something better to give than a lousy internet glomp. =(