I'm not a DAMNED beaver! D:

[spotto]

A day of cheer and jitterness.
Yosh, that is what this day is.

Let's just say, after a long while, Spot has finally finished Chapter 9 of HFF. I wrote it on several occasions, so the sense of humour will seem to be different at each scene, or something. The characters introduced MAY be a surprise. xP

*points to display picture* For all those not familiar with Negima, it is not fanart, its another manga not drawn by Akamatsu that's basically an adaptation of the Negima!? anime, thus the pictures are official.

Without further ado, please enjoy!

Chapter 9: Prissy-Ness

 

“…and so, I have decided that the animals will return to the farm, if Miss Chiu-sama sends I, the judge, many hot and sexy naked pictures of her…”

“You’re kidding me…” Chisame stood up, giving a demanding finger at the judge, “Hear me, if not ever, at least now. CHIU IS NOT, and I mean NOT, A PORN STAR!!!”

The judge shot out a rather seductive smile at Chisame, “Oh…reeeeally…?”

He stood up with a perverted smirk on his face and smashed his hammer down, causing a sound as loud enough to break her glasses. He stepped down from his seat and slowly, but oh so temptingly, walked towards the girl who was known as the famous ‘net idol’. Standing before her, he neatly and gradually unbuttoned her shirt…

-

 

“KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!” The spectacled girl shrieked as she was tapped in the shoulder from the behind.

 

“Hasegawa-san?” The judge said.

 

Seeing the same judge from before, the once sleeping girl fell backwards on her chair, and almost smacked her head onto the ground if Negi, the one who nudged her awake, did not catch her. The concerned younger adolescent suddenly let the net idol go, causing her to hit the ground, albeit not as hard as she would’ve hit the ground if Negi never caught her at all. Truthfully, Negi wasn’t entirely strong physical wise, and so could not keep Chisame away from the ground. To Chisame though, it seemed like a rude action.

”Now Hasegawa, as your punishment for disrupting the court, I sentence you to strip yourself naked right now, right here!” The judge demanded, pointing his mallet straight at the net idol.

 

“WHAT!?”

-

“KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Chisame jumped out of her bed, sweating profusely and breathing insanely fast.

 

“Son of a…” The furious girl walked towards her kitchen, edging for a glass of milk. It would calm her down and perhaps enable her to fall asleep easier without any perverted nightmares. She was about to enter the kitchen when she tripped, since something was blocking the doorway to the kitchen in this pitch-black night.

 

Chisame fell down face first, as she felt her jaw slightly crack as it touched the surface of the kitchen floor. She got up and growled, turning on the lights. Ku Fei was napping at the doorway, and was violently kicked by the grumpy owner of the house. The young cat was previously enjoying a dream of catnip and canaries, only to be woken up by an angry and in pain net idol.

 

“That’s it! I’m getting a new cat!” Chisame yelled, pointing at the yellow striped cat, “When that cat comes, you’re moving to the barn, and staying there, you lazy nikuman-stealing feline!”

 

Ku Fei simply meowed, wondering what she even did. She was quite disciplined for the majority of this day, so she had no idea why she was being scolded. The pet of the house walked off, heading for another spot to have a long nap on. She purred as she encircled her chosen spot and easily drifted back to sleep.

The very next day, Chisame was touring the local pet store, which in all actuality didn’t seem quite local. It was in the very same town Chisame had resided in, however she lived on a farm, so the actual town-like part of the town was significantly far away. Within the pet shop, she viewed the various cats available, and a man walked up to the closet net idol, asking if she needed any help.

 

“I need to buy a cat.”

The man smiled politely, “Ah, we have several young kittens that have just come—“

”No, I don’t want a damned kitten that will poop all over my house, get me some cat!”

“If you lower your voice, since several of the nocturnal animals are sound asleep, I will lead you to a crate full of cats that we were about to feed to our giant panther…”

Chisame sighed as she followed the worker into an employee-only room. Inside, there really was a large black panther within a huge pen. A feeling of cannibalism came over the young teenager, who saw the cage of unfortunate cats all meowing about. The man opened the crate and randomly took out a cat. It was actually quite a well-looking feline, with nice patterns on its body.

 

“Here we have a calico cat. It came from Europe or something, anyway if you want it; you can have it for cheap since its original intention was…er…cat food.”

 

Chisame didn’t want to think twice about whatever cat she’d get, and grabbed the calico. She headed towards the clerk’s desk and ringed a bell. Suddenly, a huge amount of confetti with massively annoying sounds exploded from the desk. The clerk appeared out of nowhere from that eruption, with a huge smile on his face.

 

“CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE OUR ONE THOUSANDTH CUSTOMER!”

 

The farm owner grumbled, “Oh joy.”

”For being our special person, you get a free complimentary bird cage and this animal from the animal shelter rescue team that no longer can live on its own!” He said, with his voice still completely encased in ‘announcer mode’.  

All of a sudden, a punch came flying from the annoyed girl holding a calico cat that knocked the clerk out cold. The man who had given her the feline noticed this, and walked over. Chisame was muttering many insults under her breath, especially at how incredibly irritating the clerk’s tone was.

”I suppose all you want to do is purchase your cat and leave,” the man said, “but it is our policy that you must take this poor little creature which was injured in the harsh reality of nature, or we won’t allow you to buy any animal from this store.”

The net idol growled, “Fine, but it better not be huge or needs ‘special quality treatment’. I’m not a cursed vet.”

”Oh, well then we’ll give you this otter. The poor thing was found limping at the Shore of Kappa Lake. We don’t think it can crack seashells on its own anymore.”

 

Cussing silently under her breath, the girl took the otter and decided that if her fans see her as a nice humanitarian girl who adopts poor cute animals, she’d have a lot more fans. Chisame took a long journey home, and as she was arriving at her house, she noticed that accursed boy and father hanging around her front door.

 

“What the hell do you want? Get off my property!” Chisame yelled, not wanting something like what happened the other day to repeat.

Nagi Springfield grinned and petted the secretive net idol, teasing her, “Well, that Wilhelm guy still wants some compensation since you broke his back and paralyzed him for life that other day. He wants either your cow, or your horse.”

”He can have my horse, now go the hell away.”

”Oh! And one more thing, your canary just got back from the vet! I have delivered it to the barn because I don’t know where you usually keep that loud bird!” Negi added, “hey, what’s that sound coming from that bag you’re holding, Chisame-san?”

Chisame proceeded to bonk the child in the head, “It’s none of your business, now as I’ve said, get off my property!”

With that, the constantly grumpy girl that led two lives slammed her door shut behind her. She then turned her bag upside-down, shaking it as a cat and an otter fell out of it. Ku Fei, as if on cue, had just stepped into the room where Chisame had entered. The young striped kitty meowed as she walked up to Chisame. Suddenly, the unexpected pet of the house was picked up by her tail, and the tiger-like animal was thrown into the barn, screeching to the stop on the ground. An otter soon followed.

 

“Aru?”

The back door of Chisame’s dwelling slammed shut, and Ku Fei sat inside the barn with an incredibly confused river-animal by her side.

 

“Yo, Kuu!” The sound of a canary was heard only a little distance away, “I’ve returned! Heheh, so who’s that mighty fine looking animal right by you, you dog?”

Ku Fei saw Kazumi and Ako walk up to her. The canary had been gone for a day, where she went no animal knew, for only Chisame did. The slightly larger bird had a bandage on her right wing, but she seemed as enthusiastic as ever despite it. Ako was a little more curious than the canary was at who the slender creature was beside the menacing cat. The chick, which even to this day, still had a piece of shell sitting on her head, approached the chocolate-coloured animal with a bit of hesitance.

 

“Don’t call me dog, aru!” Ku Fei started. She finally noticed the smaller animal beside her. The cat proceeded to poke the otter in the leg, which was similarly bandaged like Kazumi’s wing.

 

“Ow! Don’t poke that! How will I ever recover and become a great fighting machine once again if you keep touching my dead leg!” It replied in a loud, seemingly-familiar manner.

 

Ku Fei then poked the canary’s wing, in which the bird responded, “Oi! Don’t touch that! How can I be a flapping blackmailing bird again if you keep nudging my dead wing!”

”Eh? Eh? Aru?” Ku Fei started, “Is this deja-vu?”

”Kuu-chan rhymed!” The youngest creature present smiled happily, clapping her wings in a childish behaviour.

Kazumi pointed with her mobile wing, “And you, fine animal. Where thou’st you hail from!?”

 

“I lived in a great lake, swimming freely and hunting for delicious clams. One sad day, the great monster of the lake, known as a kappa, was probably hungry. I watched in horror as all my buddies were eaten, and I escaped, but not without injury. Then some humans came along and saw me thirst for another clam on the dry deserts of the beach, picked me up and dragged me off…”

Kazumi replied with a tone similar as the otter, “Such a tale is of great despair! I pity you, slender animal! What name do you call yourself by? Such a grief-stricken past that you have experienced cannot be stressed by words alone. If we are to know what you are desired to be labelled as, then we can lessen the use of identifying you as that otter!”

”Um, aru, what are you doing with such hard words, aruyo?” Ku Fei asked, since she was a little confused from the complicated conversation taking place.

 

“Oh, Natsumi gave me tips on how to be much more dramatic,” the canary answered, “and I think I’m doing well!”

Ako cocked (no pun intended) her head to one side, “Why do you want to be more dramatic, oneechan?”

 

“That way people will see your character a lot more clearly when introducing yourself to someone new, like this brown fellow over here!”

Ku Fei muttered, “Err, won’t that just make you seem like a dramatic person, arune?”

”Oi, I never considered that…”

The otter finally decided to reply, still confused wherever the hell she was, “They call me Yuuna of the north! You can call me Kid though, legendary at balancing a ball!”

”Balancing a ball? Hey, doesn’t Nodoka have a ball with her all the time?”

“Nodoka? That name sounds awfully famil…” Yuuna was cut off, as a beautiful elegant calico cat entered the barn. In her elegant sparkling beauty, she trotted towards the other animals in a style far too superior for them to handle.

 

Ku Fei grinned, “Hey! You’re the new cat! I’m Ku Fei-aru!”

The calico cat stared at the other feline within the farm, “Hmph, so you were the fool that I replaced.”

 

“Eh? What does she mean, Kuu-chan?” Ako whispered questioningly.

 

“Now what do you have here, Ku Fei? A little birdie and you aren’t going to eat it up? What kind of cat are you?” The calico cat responded, pointing at Ako.

 

Ku Fei chuckled, “Uh, I’m a nikumanarian…” (incredibly horrible pun on vegetarian)

The calico cat continued, “Why, there’s even the greatest and rarest kitty delicacy of all, a canary! You’re just letting it stand there like it’s another fellow cat!”

”Oi! You dumb cat, I was in the midst of introducing myself and my great love to—“

”Shut up you beaver!”

”I AM NOT A BEAVER! DOES MY TAIL LOOK (bleep) FLAT TO YOU!?”

Kazumi covered Ako’s ears, “Don’t listen!”

The calico cat screamed, “Well you’re SOME KIND OF DUMB WATER ANIMAL! I for one, HATE water, so I also hate all animals associated with it besides water animals for food. On second thought, I’ve never tried a delicious beaver before…”

”FOR THE LOVE OF CLAMS, I AM NOT A DAMNED…”

”Hey! What’s going on here! You’re disrupting Ojou-sama’s beloved sleep!” A large crane came flying into the barn, which was obviously incredibly noisy at the moment.

Yuuna screamed at Setsuna, now not caring that she had no idea where she was. She automatically assumed that the large bird was in charge of this place, “THAT RUDE CAT THERE IS INSULTING MY HERITAGE!”

The calico cat instead, was quite interested at the white and red bird, “There’s apparently a lot of food living in or near this barn, isn’t there, Ku Fei?”

”Um, aru. Who the hell are you, arune?”

The feline smiled, “Wow, I never thought you’d ask; you rejected kitty! They call me Anya, and I have been living in the wild for a few years now. This looks like a nice place to take over. It’s a dump and needs a total revamp!”

”Okay, you newcomers are incredibly loud. It hasn’t been this bad since a certain canary arrived!” Setsuna started, “You know that the one in charge of this barn is always the biggest animal.”

”Who would that be?” Both the otter and calico cat asked at the same time.

Suddenly, a voice that none of the animals heard before, echoed throughout the room. Standing by the barn doorway, with rain pouring down in the night, was the shadows of several animals. Looking closely, Setsuna noticed a little koala in the arms of one of the animals, and gasped.

”As of right now, me.”

 

It was a bunny-rabbit, a giraffe, and an army of wolves.

-

I like Yuuna a lot more now for some reason. She replaced KONOKA on my "whoever I like the best" mental list. I'm pretty sure she's quite OOC or partly, lot. As for Anya, I am basing off her personality on what I think is what her Negima!? personality is. Although I kind of feel sorry for her in Negima!? All sad and stuff. My prediction is probably wrong.  

Ta ta for now!

R-POTE: Mana/Chisame